Desiring one day to be involved in a healthy intimate relationship is a goal for me. When I reflect back over my life, the sexual abuse and my upbringing kept me in what was a "safe survival rut." A rut that I stayed in for so many years. I was scared. I am still scared to this day to step out and engage in a possible opposite-sex relationship. Friendship at this point. I still have not reached the point of feeling safe and being myself fully. There is a lot of major healing needed in this area.
I spent most of my life basically alone. Doing things by myself. The once in a blue moon boyfriends I had, did not last. And the few men I dated (count on one hand) wanted much more from me, which I could not give. Emotionally I am still not capable as well. So feeling unfamiliar and frighten in intimacy panics me. Fight or flight syndrome.
If a boy/man took interest in me, I would have an anxiety attack inside. Could become ill. I feared being over powered and defenseless. Being sexually abused. To this day I still am messed up with understanding what love is and that sex is not the main focal point to a marriage.
The times I had sex as a teenager I felt disconnected. Fearful. Shame. Sex became too frightening, painful and demanding soon thereafter. Seems I was more vulnerable as a teenager. I was taken advantage of. I wanted to fit in. Have a boy like me. I did not know any better. I was immature. Very naive. I could not relate. Just react. There was no intimacy. The majority of my sexual experiences happened on school property, on the ground in a stairwell, etc. Very awkward. Both of us very inexperienced. Not a very romantic setting. Praising God to this day that nothing serious happened to me.
What I experienced back then sexually does not mean I will experience the same hopefully one day again. As I work through some issues and become more comfortable with myself and with who I am, then there is the likelihood of healing in this area. To begin to understand what a relationship really is. That there is someone else involved with desires, hurts, and goals. Not a one sided relationship.
I know there is more to a relationship than sex. Basically sex is all I could base a relationship on since I have never really been in a serious relationship and am only going on from what I have experienced. It grieves and angers me terribly that I may never get the experience of actually loving someone and sharing my life with them. If I never get married. I can only pray that reclaiming my sexuality at least would be worth it even if I never act on it again. Ugh.
Sorry for such a post. I am not in a good place at the moment. The holiday's can get a grip on me at this time.
I can relate to SO MUCH of what you've written in this post. When I learn someone is interested in me (which isn't very often) I get extremely anxious and wonder what their ulterior motives are.
ReplyDeleteMy wish is that we both experience recovery in this realm. I think a relationship can be an awesome thing.
Wishing you well,
NOS
Maybe this next year this will be the project you will work on!!!
ReplyDeleteNO NEED TO APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT YOUR FEELING. THAT'S WHAT'S IT'S ALL ABOUT. LOVE AND HUGS.
ReplyDeleteIf only we could move healing on faster. To know that Jesus is right here with us brings oh so much comfort. Merry Christmas, my friend!
ReplyDeleteI know for sure, the best is yet to come for JBR... keep trusting Jesus... you are on your way! Merry late Christmas my friend, looking forward to many more visits in 2011. Chin up... you're on the right path!
ReplyDeleteLast hugs of 2010! :)
JBR, I am sorry that your experiences with sex have been so traumatizing. As I read this I got the sense though that you truly already understand the way a sexual relationship is meant to be, the way God means it to be and I think that is half the battle. Please don't think I'm oversimplifying, I just feel like you have a direction, you know where you want to end up and I have faith that God will get you there.
ReplyDeleteNever apologize for writing the hard stuff. You are a blessing and a strong, good soul.
I hope you have a good day today. Hugs and prayers...
Love Colleen
Sweet JBR may God's love wash over you and cleanse all your pain your worries your heartaches of the past. You're such an encouargement to many who would not even share the depth of your pain. By doing so and touching on subjects that many ignore, I'm sure there are hearts out there that read you and can identify and quietly say to themselves, thank you. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteSweetie, you and I stem from the same place. I'm glad you posted. I am glad.
ReplyDeleteHope to hear that you are "happy"one day dear JBR.
ReplyDeleteSorry for your hardship in the relationships. I can somewhat relate. Gonig through drug rehab the two do not mix well.
ReplyDeleteSweet JBR, don't give up hope. God does restore and renew. He will continue to walk with you through the past and into a better future. I'm praying for you. (((((JBR)))))
ReplyDeletei hear you...and i pray you make advances in this area...intimacy can be so empowering when in the right context...i got faith though...
ReplyDeleteSounds like real grief
ReplyDeleteyou're going through.
And you ARE going THROUGH.
Not faking your way along.
It's real, this pain.
And you can heal what you're willing
to feel.
So well done, you.
I'm aching for you over the pain
but full of hope and faith that
you will see His salvation
and deliverance
in amazing and surprising ways.
Grace is truly amazing!!!
-Jennifer
I love that you are 'keeping it real' and there is NOTHING wrong with that. I have a dear friend I wish you could chat with that has battled her own storms. Let me just tell you this....you CAN overcome. I can tell you have already moved forward a great deal. HUGS and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteThis post comes at a time when I can directly see how my damage my sexual abuse has impacted my intimacy with my husband. I am planning to write about it within the next two week. Your writing this gives me courage than you. Hugs and prayers to you.
ReplyDelete