"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, January 07, 2011


At times I still find myself saying, "I wish it were all over." The "it" being my journey.

Discovering now I am at some kind of new level of emotional pain. As discussed yesterday in t., I am more than ever connected to my feelings and desires that were shut down so long ago. I have fully come out of denial. Coming alive. But, I am hurting internally much more.

These last couple of months have been difficult for me. I am very frustrated and tired. Frustrated with myself. With my journey's progress. Frustrated with what goes on inside my skin where I believe only God and I know for sure what I am experiencing. Have so many emotions, hurts, frustrations, fears, irritations, doubts etc. coming at me from all different directions. I feel I am going to bust. Emotions playing on my thinking. Distorting. Difficult to express in words to another human being.

But.....for any of you out there who are going through t. and experience what I am talking about, even though you may not think no one understands, I was encouraged to talk and try to explain what I was feeling to my t. It does help. I managed to say something along with the statement that "what I am feeling they would not be able to understand fully."

Going through emotional pain to regain freedom is hard. I do amaze myself that I have such determination. Only because I want back what was taken away from me. I do not want to lay claim to the shame, guilt, condemnation that I took on because of my dysfunctional upbringing.

Some times my heartfelt pain is overwhelming that I find myself going fetal still. My deep wounds surface. The flood gates open.

So, I will continue to press on. Whatever painful obstacles still remain on my journey to freedom that may hamper me, I will be reminded that Jesus faced the same temptation to want to quit. No one but no one was able to actually feel what He experienced for all of us. Talk about no one understanding what goes on inside your skin. Can you imagine if He did not want to face the cross.


  1. You're right; it does help to externalise and channel it because then that pain has somewhere to go. An outlet. It gives your distress a voice, and that's important. But remember your feelings matter, and there's always someone who will lend a willing ear. I don't believe in God, but he is good.

  2. O, I have so been there. In a way the journey is never over because the journey is called life. But the pain became a healed scar and the scar something I am rather proud of since it cost me quite a bit to see it stitched together. Hugs to you and keep on keeping on.

  3. JBR: You are strong person, and I am not surprised at the depth of your determination. Yeah!!! This next year will be one of growth and freedom

  4. JBR, you are courageous and I admire your spirit.
    Hugs to you today.

  5. It's not easy. But by His grace, you will overcome. [[[JBR]]]

  6. Anaïs Nin’s quotation — “…the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” — seems to perfectly encapsulate that process.


  7. i understand totally what you mean. unfortunately that old instant gratification kicks in, and then i feel what you feel. for it all to be over even though i know i'm not ready yet...

  8. The last couple days these verses have been on my mind:
    I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
    (Php 3:14 NKJV)
    And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.
    (Gal 6:9 NKJV)

  9. ((((((JBR))))))) You are a winner.

  10. I like what wanda say....You are a winner!!!!

  11. JBR, I'm as proud of you as can be! You give me strength. I really look up to your fight in a way I find hard to explain. You go girl!!

  12. Knowing that Jesus Christ is by my side helps keep me strong, and keeps me moving on!!!

    God Bless you!!!


  13. Sometimes I want to give up on the journey..but I have faith that God has plans for me that I can't even imagine.

    Feel free to post something on your personal relationship with God and how you've come to develop that relationship on my blog on the page Spiritual Experiences.


  14. I like what Tabitha Bird said-- the journey is never over. And you may be frustrated with your progress, but I have seen you accomplish amazing things over the past few months. For example, you set AMAZING boundaries with your mom. Of course it's a work in progress, but you are SO much further than you were a few months ago. I hope you can pat yourself on your back a little bit. You deserve it.

    Wishing you well,

  15. Very good post,I think at one time or the other we all go through this terrible valley.But there is hope in knowing you'll come out much stronger.
    Love you :D