INSIDE MY SKIN

At times I still find myself saying, "I wish it were all over." The "it" being my journey.

Discovering now I am at some kind of new level of emotional pain. As discussed yesterday in t., I am more than ever connected to my feelings and desires that were shut down so long ago. I have fully come out of denial. Coming alive. But, I am hurting internally much more.

These last couple of months have been difficult for me. I am very frustrated and tired. Frustrated with myself. With my journey's progress. Frustrated with what goes on inside my skin where I believe only God and I know for sure what I am experiencing. Have so many emotions, hurts, frustrations, fears, irritations, doubts etc. coming at me from all different directions. I feel I am going to bust. Emotions playing on my thinking. Distorting. Difficult to express in words to another human being.

But.....for any of you out there who are going through t. and experience what I am talking about, even though you may not think no one understands, I was encouraged to talk and try to explain what I was feeling to my t. It does help. I managed to say something along with the statement that "what I am feeling they would not be able to understand fully."

Going through emotional pain to regain freedom is hard. I do amaze myself that I have such determination. Only because I want back what was taken away from me. I do not want to lay claim to the shame, guilt, condemnation that I took on because of my dysfunctional upbringing.

Some times my heartfelt pain is overwhelming that I find myself going fetal still. My deep wounds surface. The flood gates open.

So, I will continue to press on. Whatever painful obstacles still remain on my journey to freedom that may hamper me, I will be reminded that Jesus faced the same temptation to want to quit. No one but no one was able to actually feel what He experienced for all of us. Talk about no one understanding what goes on inside your skin. Can you imagine if He did not want to face the cross.