JBR'S DESPERATION RAMBLINGS

Dad, I do not even know how to word this. That is why I entitled the post Desperation Ramblings. So I am going to ramble now......

I am very tired today physically and emotionally. So, I am not in the best space at the moment, thus the ramble.

My mind feels mentally shut down some what. I did not want to be at work. I do not like Monday's. I did not want to face some of Your created beings at work. I have trouble dealing with myself when I am this way. I do not even want to be with myself. But, that is kind of hard not to, huh?

My plea is of desperation to finish this course. To finally arrive. I still beat up on myself in the way I respond to life's problems, to people that still get my goat, to how I behave. I question my motives. I question my actions. I question others motives and actions their falseness. Very tiresome. I just want to give my thoughts, frustrations, false guilt,shame, rejection to You. Not care what people think of me! Stop analyzing all this crap that I see, experience and process.

My prayers have been so general in the past. Since growing closer to You, specifics is what I am sensing I need to pray about now. To have answered prayers.

I can be as high as a kite in Your presence one moment and then hit what seems like rock bottom the next. A Jekyll and Hyde affect. I understand I live in this fallen world, and there is nothing I can do about it, except to call upon Your grace to help me through.

I am tired of wanting to get "my feel goods" from people. But I still try! People can be so unpredictable, hurtful, vengeful, and just plain nasty. But You never change. No You never change. Why can't I just have You in my life only? Why can't You be tangible? I want to feel You. Why can't I feel You? I want to be left alone. I don't want to be left alone. I want to be more disciplined. I want to feel good emotionally and physically. Why do I have to deal with these people You created, including myself? I want to scream, cry, yell, throw something!

This is how I felt last week in t.,(bursting out of my skin) although visible to my t., so expressing my emotions going every which way by blogging about them is harder.

Thank You for Your mercies Lord Jesus which are new every morning. I look forward to tomorrow.

But.....

Life sometimes does suck.