"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Been up since 1:00 a.m. I am exhausted, cranky, overwhelmed, have a headache etc. and wish I did not have to go to work. Too much going on with work though. The unsettling of the date when our department is going to be moving next month does not help matters. Because.....

My brother called me last night. He and his wife will be coming next month, March 10th for four days. We are celebrating last years Christmas. Even though I knew he would be coming next month, it was not for sure. But, he confirmed it last night.

My mood sank.

I tell you ever since I have been on my journey, his coming has been a struggle. I feel invaded. Being in touch with my feelings and then bringing an outside source that hurt me, is hard now. Shows I am still struggling in this area with my brother. I try and convince myself it will only be for three-four days, once a year. But, it is still hard. Before, when I was in denial, I welcomed them. We laughed, talked about old times (as that is all he can muster up it seems), I took the brunt of his and my mothers verbal abuse. I know I am much stronger than the other visits. I do speak up or walk out of the room when I am verbally attacked these days. This is exhaustion and anger talking right now. I feel emotionally vulnerable at this moment. I just pray that I can at least get back to tolerating them without getting upset because they are in my space. I believe it is getting closer to the time that I need to forgive.

Anyway, being awaken with memories of sexual abuse from my brother certainly did not help matters any this morning.

The video may help any who have gone through sexual abuse as a child. This gentlemen has a lot to offer and has a testimony. He has many video's out on YouTube on different struggles.


  1. I can't imagine being forced to "live life" with someone who abused me. I pray God will give you supernatural strength and that you truly gird yourself up in WHO YOU ARE NOW IN CHRIST. He can't touch you, can't hurt you anymore. Now you are a grown woman who can handle her own. You do NOT have to even accept verbal abuse.

    I pray ANY control he (or thoughts/memories) of him have over you will be completely severed and that healing will be complete in Jesus' Name. (((hugs)))

    Keep us posted. We will pray you through.

  2. JBR I've seen Sy Rogers before. A Christian man of integrity. I'm sorry that you had bad dreams this morning. May the comfort of Jesus rest on you. God Bless.

  3. I can only imagine how you are feeling. I can totally understand why you would be upset at your brother's arrival. And I understand that as you are getting stronger and confronting the feelings from your past that it is now more difficult to deal with his presence than when you were in denial. I'm sorry, darling. I'm here listening and rooting for you.

    Wishing you well,

  4. Oh dear...I am sorry because I know all too well how hard this is....(((JBR)))

  5. I am sorry that you are in a dreadful state right now. I like what the video said. I wonder if you have talked with you brother about his actions. I think it would be hard to overcome this pain without resolving the pain with him.

    Since I do not know all of your past history forgive me if I ask too many questions. If someone hurt me I would want to bring it to light, confront him and then I would forgive him.

    JBR, I hope you find resoultion and strength to these horrible memories. Remember, you were a child, you are not to blame.



  7. JBR, oh I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine how you can face the person who has done that to you ... it's something I have a hard time to understand why do you meet with him ... please forgive me because I only know what you share here and I don't see inside your family life and in no case I would not dare to say you should not meet with whomever ... I hope you know what I want to say ... I do admire your strength because I think I could not meet a person who has abused me in such a way ... but again I have never been abused sexually and so I cannot know all the feelings and confusion and hurt you go through. You are in my prayers and I just wish you that you can go through this visit your head up and with peace in your heart and mind (as possible ...). Sending lots of love.

  8. JBR I cant imagine your strruggles. God will lead you and guidke you. Your a storng woman of courage.

  9. JBR: Trusting in God that things will be OK. Trusting in you.

  10. Hi JBR,
    I will watch this video when I have a bit more time, but I really wanted to say...has your brother apologized to you? Has he repented of this sin? Does his wife know? If so great that is the beginning of healing if not this needs to be done.

    Praying for you,

  11. ugh my stomach turns at having to be around an abuser...and if i remeber correctly doesnt he deny it...double ugh....i dont know that i could be forced into it...

  12. I can feel your anxiety and nervousness! You have every right to feel them too..Just breathe, say a small prayer, and we are here with you through this struggle!

  13. Sending love and hugs, JBR.
    I wonder, I know you're expected to be there
    and participate and visit with your family
    when they come.
    But what if you choose not to this year.
    You don't have to make any sweeping statements
    about forever.
    But just now,
    just while you're raw and not feeling ready to deal with him face to face,
    why don't you give yourself the gift
    of more time to heal.
    Just politely bow out
    and explain that you're working through some things.
    I was overwhelmingly relieved to learn that
    "I can't tell you why"
    was a perfectly acceptable answer
    to demands for explanations.
    They will survive if you choose not to
    hang out with them.
    So will you.
    And it IS your choice.
    Just something to think about.
    You can opt out this time; you'll still be loved
    and God will totally support and back your
    decision either way.

  14. JBR,
    I know visits with your brother are very, very, difficult for you from reading your past posts. I will pray for you. May God hold you close to his heart during these trials. Can you put off the visit until you feel stronger? I know that would be difficult because of your mother but I wonder if this is too much for you right now.

  15. If he bugs you, RUN.

  16. you can forgive but its hard to forget
    you are no ones door matt and you need to just tell him NO!
    you can do it!
    you will only be misserable and uncomfortable.
    if he doesnt understand then maybe he will know what it feels like to be hurt so deeply even though you are not the one to bring on the hurt that he is the one that caused!

  17. Thanks for visiting ((JBR)).
    I'm sorry for all the struggle "others" put you through, but I know...as long as we stand(thought will suffer) we are moving towards a better end. God Bless you

  18. its ok to say no, i just want to remind you
    this has been a devastatin time your life and there is no need to make it worse.
    im worried about you sweetie
    this could bring on more anxiety and stress on you that you do not need!

  19. You are in my thoughts and prayers, JBR...and you are ALWAYS in HIS hands....