I am going to try and explain this the best I can. How I am feeling inside. How desperate I want to change!!!!!
My plea to the Lord for the past couple of days has been to reverse the unbelievable feelings I have when it comes to pleasing people. The rituals I go through. The amount of energy I exhibit. And the amount of energy I contain. The emotional pain which consist of infatuation, frustration, desire, anger, willingness, submission etc. in trying to reach my goal to get someone's attention. To be noticed. To feel worth.
Some of you may not understand this sickness, but there is such a powerful drive that can totally rule you and even ruin you in trying to win "love" and "attention." It is a very painful emotional disease you could call it. A very severe stronghold. It can drive you to do things you would NEVER think you would do in a million years...... but you do. Out of sheer desperation for acceptance and what you think at the time is love. You test those dangerous waters. Then you take the plunge. Only to worry about the consequences later. And to be hurt in the end.
I have FINALLY come to the place in my journey of 'truly' asking God to reverse this drive within me. The strong feelings and attachments that go along with people pleasing, I desire these feelings to turn around completely and be directed at the Lord! I am tired!!! I want this pain to be over with. I want to please Him. Get my worth from Him alone!!!!
I know I have made great strides in this area, since t. Working on some difficult areas, facing some difficult pain, guilt and condemnation that were not mine. Understanding I was reacting out of my own emotional baggage and pain. But the Holy Spirit is moving more rapidly and deeper within me as I give Him freedom that the desire to change is becoming more intense!!!
Even though He states He already loves me (something I am still working on feeling and reciprocating) and has my best interest, I want the struggle of me trying to win the affection of others to stop all together. And have healthy desires concentrating affectionately for Him alone. Do a complete 360! Is that possible????
I want to be able to just love him. I want to experience authentic love, without trying to get it in another way. I want to be able to hold my head up and be confident in who I was created to be. Getting my self-worth not from people, but from my God.
Lord help me!!
You'll get there. Meditate on you for a while.
ReplyDeleteThere is no way anyone can please everyone. You are growing in God's love and you will someday find it is no longer as important as it used to be to please everyone. I live by "just one day at time sweet Jesus. that's all I'm asking of You." He gives us more grace as we need it. Hang in there JBR! I believe in you.
ReplyDeleteJBR I see such determination in your words to want to get well. God will honor this. If you're as serious as your words lead us to believe. Then God will honor them. God Bless as you go through this next stage in your life.
ReplyDeleteJust do it!
ReplyDeletemake yourself do it because you can!
wear the armour of God
He hears your cry dear one.
ReplyDeleteWHEN YOUR AT TEH END END OF YOUR ROPE AND IN DESPERATION, GOD IS THERE. MAY YOU FIND THAT THREAD THAT WILL PUT YOU BACK TOGETHER WHOLE AGAIN JBR.
ReplyDeleteTwo steps forward and one step back...you are doing amazing!!
ReplyDeleteI am very proud of you.
Seems to me God created you to be a servant just like Jesus. He is the King of Kings and and He was washing feet and making food. :) Remember, He was called a man of sorrows, I believe He had a heavy heart.
Sweet girl, pretend you are serving Jesus when you are serving people. Why try to change who you are, instead chanel your want of love onto Jesus and He will fill you up.
Next time you want to do something for someone so you will get attention, love or appraisal change your heart attitude and pretend you are doing this thing for Jesus and He will be loving you. It doesn't matter what the response you get from the people you are trying to please, because really you cannot please people, but you can please God by turning your shinging eyes on Him and seeking His fulfilling love by serving His people and sharing His word.
Serve Jesus by being a servant.
Praying for you,
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The Lord is pleased by any unselfish act of love. There is much goodness in you. Let his love and peace flow, just feel.
ReplyDeleteBM
Here's a good book: Abba's Child by Brennan Manning
ReplyDeleteBy His grace, you will overcome. Praying for the Lord to protect you and guide you...
ReplyDeleteThere are 5 phases of a healthy self esteem
ReplyDeletesafety
since of self
affiliation (innate need to belong)
mission
competency
Like building blocks. where do you belong? That is an affiliation wound. The gift of loneliness is reaching out. Look out and see someone you admire and just say hello. let it go from there. Remember folks need to deserve our trust.
little risk, little gain, bigger risk bigger gain and so one.
What makes your heart beat? find an outlook of like minded people. heal the wound
I came over from Ask Jeeves and my heart is touched. I've never read such a deep emotional plea to my Lord and Savior. I don't know you personally. But I would love to. You would be someone I could learn from. Remember Jerm. 29:11.
ReplyDeleteJulie
I wish I had your determination jbr I admiire yuou so much. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDelete