TAKING ON FEELING

For over two and a half years I have been facing my own places of weakness, vulnerability, loneliness and being broken in many areas. Learning on my journey I cannot expect a quick fix. In order to heal from past emotional pains and suffering, I must go through.

Compassion does not come easy for me. Compassion is hard for me to even express to myself let alone another human being.

Sure I can go through the motions with many of my feelings. But, that is all they are motions, not feelings.

ALTHOUGH..... over these last two and a half years, as my walls come down surrounding my damaged heart, and as my t. says, and I agree, "we are closer or even at the core of my pain now," more of my emotions are taking on feelings. Not totally.... but I see and feel the results. More tears when viewing or seeing someone struggle needlessly.

Shame remains to be my biggest stumbling block though. Shame has ruled me for most my life. From my parents critical and judgmental abuse to my brother sexually abusing me as a child. Shame strangles all my other emotions and drags them into its own very core, i.e. guilt, condemnation, self worth, confidence, etc.

I want to get to a place where compassion overrides my fears. Where I can go with someone else to their own pain and be there with them and feel.

"Let us not underestimate how hard it is to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken. But this is not our spontaneous response to suffering. What we desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it."

— Henri J.M. Nouwen