"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, May 05, 2011


Had t. And to be perfectly honest with you, I thought what I would share would be difficult to explain. First after leaving t. I was not going to write anything at all about what transpired. I thought it would just be too hard to explain. But, when I got home I was compelled by the Holy Spirit to sit down at my computer and start to type. So, it is the leading of the Holy Spirit desiring to share what I am going to write.

One sure sign that I know the Holy Spirit is in on any of my posts is that my words will flow without struggle. Also, I felt a check in my spirit that someone out there, maybe a regular reader, or someone just visiting, needs to read what I am about to write and could also identify in some way in order to help them along as well.

My session contained dynamics that were very interesting. Along with the usual emotional struggles I share, the physical side of me came out in what I could only describe as an "A-ha profound and unexpected moment."

What happened was when I was explaining something to my t. I saw earlier that day, where a co-worker became emotional and began crying, I shared how I long for that day where my tears would flow so easily. What I said was oh so very real. That being said, that stirred something in Big JBR! Right at that moment it was like Big JBR took control and literally slapped the little one in the face. To bring her back to reality. Which I did. Now to me this is normal. I have done it all my life. I do not think twice about it. Never have. But, my t., being good at what she does and sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading, picked up on it right away.

"What was that?"

What was what I replied?

"Slapping yourself in the face."

Right then Big JBR was found out. She became silent. She felt convicted. Could not make heads or tails as to why the big fuss over slapping herself draws so much attention. At this point the little one already went into hiding once Big JBR slapped her. My t. explained to me (Big JBR) that we do not "hit" the little one. Big JBR just sat there trying to reason what was the big deal. One thing about Big JBR she does listen to people that she does trust when called on the carpet. Yes she is a fighter. But at the same time, she is a wounded fighter and knows when to stop and listen. Because Big JBR is part of the little one, and as they become one, they know this is the only route to take to healing. So the Big one settles down and listens what her t. has to say and comprehends. Realizing finally what she does to herself by hitting the Little one is a reaction to NOT letting the little one become real. (Crying tears) Big JBR has to put her into her place. Usually Big JBR can do that just by talking and reasoning to the little one. But, since the little one is becoming stronger, Big JBR is now using more physical force. Big JBR is responding out of when mum would discipline the little one when growing up by a hand to the face. Not letting her be real. A form of control and submission.

So, what seemed perfectly normal, is not. So, NOW when I am confronted or even find myself about to or slapping myself, I will know this is wrong. Also become aware that it is Big JBR holding back the little one from progress and this is wrong and needs to stop. The little one does NOT deserve this punishment. What little JBR was accused of in the past of being real and being reprimanded for it, she is not responsible for other people's actions towards her. It was not her fault. She needs to be respected and feel worthy. Be gentle. Also, hopefully taking note at the moment, what is triggering the slapping. What is the Big one trying to prevent the little one from experiencing?

My slapping is not the norm. It is part of how I deal with releasing my emotional pain. It is part of my reaction to what was done to me as a child and how I handle certain life situations today. A form of self punishment. Self injury.

I posted the title to read "Slapping Disorder." Never hearing or reading about this being called as such. But in reality I believe that is what it is. If not, then I coin the name today.

My slapping can be compared to someone cutting, or an eating disorder, pulling your hair out, burning yourself, etc. Sure more painful and deadly are some, but what we do to ourselves stems from the same root of pain. Just comes out in different ways.


  1. I'm not sure what to say. You mean that your t. didn't know this about you. I think this is a big breakthrough.

  2. HI Debby. We did not know the dynamics of it. I have slapped myself before in front of her. We touched briefly on it in the past. But a few things fell into place right after another in this case today that made it more evident. Thanks for your comment.

  3. well it sounds like forward movement in the realization and i imagine it will help someone to realise it as well

  4. AnonymousMay 05, 2011

    JBR I don't pretend to know everything. I know that to some of us who've never experienced the absorbed obsession associated with intentionally injuring our bodies and have never gotten emotional relief in that
    way, the whole idea may seem incomprehensible.

    Like so much human behavior, self-harm is, at first, hard to understand. I don't do it. Each
    person of self-harm is unique, has a different history, a different set of personal
    problems, and a different means of hurting him/herself. I agree that it's a disorder. Glad you made progress. Big progress. God Bless.

  5. Break through! :)

    God puts things together all in the right timing. I will be praying into this one sweet girl.


  6. AnonymousMay 05, 2011


  7. JBR, this slap in the presence of your T. and the insight gained was painful yet so revealing. I believe this will help Little JBR and the Big One too. Love from my heart to the Little Jbr and the Big JBR.

  8. I have struggled with self harm for a long time. I guess I just want to punish myself for being alive. The little Wanda is buried so deep inside it is hard to let her know that it is OK to feel anything.

    Thank you so much for sharing this post JBR. I am glad you listen to the Holy Spirit.

  9. JBR,
    Thank for being so open and honest with your readers. I pray your words may help others who are going through similar trials. This sounds like a big breakthrough for you and I hope you continue to have many of these AHA! moments. May the peace of Christ surround you, my friend, as you continue to walk this path of healing. Hugs!!

  10. Wow JBR, this is very profound!!! One of these days the sensible, protecting part of JBR will be fully fused with the sensitive, caring part and this conflict will disappear. Very exciting news to have such understanding of an old behavior!

  11. AnonymousMay 05, 2011

    Big Flannery cuts deep and now I get an insight as to why. This really helped me. Thank you.

  12. Thank you all for your encouraging words.

  13. AnonymousMay 06, 2011

    I think that last paragraph is very wise, JBR. Trichotillomania, eating disorders, other forms of self harm-- they do all stem from pain. I'm not sure if it's all the same pain, but it's pain nonetheless.

    I know it can be hard to treat yourself kindly, especially your "little" self. I think we often think "they" should know better, but really people make mistakes and expecting perfection is very unreasonable. Both Little and Big JBR are doing the best they can.

    Wishing you well,

  14. so very powerful
    ....I take wisdom from this
    and thank you for it.
    Much love to all of you,

  15. I continue to be amazed at your wisdom and your knowledge of yourself as you go through this healing process. What breakthroughs you are having. I believe God is taking you all the way through to complete healing because that is what He wants for you. Keep up the good work.

  16. self injury in any form is so commom especially in women. Glad the light bulb went on and He's showing you love really does make the difference....His love. Stay strong.

  17. Your last paragraph said the raw part of self-conflicting pain..Different people express it differently, but it's the root of pain.

    Wish you a great weekend!

  18. AnonymousMay 06, 2011

    Thank you for your post.

  19. AnonymousMay 06, 2011

    I kne2w a woman who would do that. She'd just laugh and siad it made her feel better. Now I see that what dshe did was more dnamaging than she thought.good post.

  20. AnonymousMay 06, 2011

    I kne2w a woman who would do that. She'd just laugh and siad it made her feel better. Now I see that what dshe did was more dnamaging than she thought.good post.

  21. AnonymousMay 06, 2011

    by all the comments i read it seems you are helping others in many ways besides yourself thru postin your feelings. Im proud of you and the help you give for others to be able to express themselves to you. what a gift that is

  22. Self injury appears to be a disorder that has both biological and behavioral components. The fact that antidepressant medications such as Celexa, Prozac, Paxil, Luvox, and Zoloft can, in many cases, relieve much of the urge to self injure there is strong evidence of an underlying neurochemical basis.I strongly believe in combining behavioral treatment with drug therapy. As in other obsessive-compulsive disorders, both appear to work better than either one alone. Medications may also be imperfect for some in terms of the side effects they produce. Sometimes these side effects prevent individuals from taking effectively high enough doses to lower their symptoms substantially.

    The dr.

  23. JBR, thanks for sharing this with us. I could so relate! I can't quite remember, but I am pretty sure I have done the same thing...slapping myself...in the past. I have definately "shut myself down" in other destructive ways as well. Thanks for sharing.

  24. Leslie, appreciate your honesty in sharing. Sorry that you do relate. (((Leslie))))

    Thank you all once again for your comments. All of you are truly special. Hugs to you all.

  25. We can be so self destructive in so many different ways. The Lord has shown you your way. It takes courage to share these parts of ourselves, but it's often necessary for healing--healing within you and healing for those who read your story.
    Thank you.

  26. I needed to read this I have always done this when frustared angry or upset but more so recently and i got caught doing it the other day i was gonna say i guess its now normal and it isnt but I am glad to know im not the only one