SLAPPING DISORDER

Had t. And to be perfectly honest with you, I thought what I would share would be difficult to explain. First after leaving t. I was not going to write anything at all about what transpired. I thought it would just be too hard to explain. But, when I got home I was compelled by the Holy Spirit to sit down at my computer and start to type. So, it is the leading of the Holy Spirit desiring to share what I am going to write.

One sure sign that I know the Holy Spirit is in on any of my posts is that my words will flow without struggle. Also, I felt a check in my spirit that someone out there, maybe a regular reader, or someone just visiting, needs to read what I am about to write and could also identify in some way in order to help them along as well.

My session contained dynamics that were very interesting. Along with the usual emotional struggles I share, the physical side of me came out in what I could only describe as an "A-ha profound and unexpected moment."

What happened was when I was explaining something to my t. I saw earlier that day, where a co-worker became emotional and began crying, I shared how I long for that day where my tears would flow so easily. What I said was oh so very real. That being said, that stirred something in Big JBR! Right at that moment it was like Big JBR took control and literally slapped the little one in the face. To bring her back to reality. Which I did. Now to me this is normal. I have done it all my life. I do not think twice about it. Never have. But, my t., being good at what she does and sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading, picked up on it right away.

"What was that?"

What was what I replied?

"Slapping yourself in the face."

Right then Big JBR was found out. She became silent. She felt convicted. Could not make heads or tails as to why the big fuss over slapping herself draws so much attention. At this point the little one already went into hiding once Big JBR slapped her. My t. explained to me (Big JBR) that we do not "hit" the little one. Big JBR just sat there trying to reason what was the big deal. One thing about Big JBR she does listen to people that she does trust when called on the carpet. Yes she is a fighter. But at the same time, she is a wounded fighter and knows when to stop and listen. Because Big JBR is part of the little one, and as they become one, they know this is the only route to take to healing. So the Big one settles down and listens what her t. has to say and comprehends. Realizing finally what she does to herself by hitting the Little one is a reaction to NOT letting the little one become real. (Crying tears) Big JBR has to put her into her place. Usually Big JBR can do that just by talking and reasoning to the little one. But, since the little one is becoming stronger, Big JBR is now using more physical force. Big JBR is responding out of when mum would discipline the little one when growing up by a hand to the face. Not letting her be real. A form of control and submission.

So, what seemed perfectly normal, is not. So, NOW when I am confronted or even find myself about to or slapping myself, I will know this is wrong. Also become aware that it is Big JBR holding back the little one from progress and this is wrong and needs to stop. The little one does NOT deserve this punishment. What little JBR was accused of in the past of being real and being reprimanded for it, she is not responsible for other people's actions towards her. It was not her fault. She needs to be respected and feel worthy. Be gentle. Also, hopefully taking note at the moment, what is triggering the slapping. What is the Big one trying to prevent the little one from experiencing?

My slapping is not the norm. It is part of how I deal with releasing my emotional pain. It is part of my reaction to what was done to me as a child and how I handle certain life situations today. A form of self punishment. Self injury.

I posted the title to read "Slapping Disorder." Never hearing or reading about this being called as such. But in reality I believe that is what it is. If not, then I coin the name today.

My slapping can be compared to someone cutting, or an eating disorder, pulling your hair out, burning yourself, etc. Sure more painful and deadly are some, but what we do to ourselves stems from the same root of pain. Just comes out in different ways.