"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, August 11, 2011


I had no clue how the Spirit was going to lead me, and if at all, on this topic. Nevertheless, I can always tell if my posts are coming from the Spirit or from myself. The ones that flow easy are from the Spirit and in my opinion are therefore usually a divine post for someone or someone(s) out there to grab hold of.

T. revealed more of a deep seeded shame issue. Which prompted the title of this post. Which could also read, My Form of anorexia or bulimia or Trichotillomania or Masochism, etc.

Even though I do not suffer from any of the above per ce, mine comes in the form of enduring any type of physical pain regarding my health.

Could be from a serious nagging tooth ache, lumps, bumps and masses found on and in my body. Pains in my side, my legs, my arms, my head, my eyes. You name it. Something that could possibly be easily fixed. But, I refuse to have whatever fixed. Sure I can mask the pain for awhile. But never totally fix it. Fear plays a part in the mix as well.

But in order to fully understand why I do what I do, you have to REALLY GO DEEPER.

I shared how my mum and dad, especially my mum, would "shame" me into doing things that I did not want to do. That is all I kind of ever knew growing up. So, as I am discovering, I have chosen the route dealing with my health to control. Why? Only God knows. You can ask yourself the same question, "Why do I cut?" "Why do I not eat?"

It does not matter how much pain I could be in. I could be suffering through tremendous amount of agony, where tears would be rolling down my face as I am wracked with pain. Still somehow I endure it and make it through. However long it takes. And however many times the ailment comes back. Sure, I loose sleep over it. Miss work. Have fear take over because of it. But will that change my mind? Not at this point.

So, do I get pleasure out of feeling pain? No not really. Sure, I can say, it makes me feel alive. But at the same time, it hurts like hell!!!!!

Right now I would rather endure the agony then make the effort to have the pain taken care of. I hang on to the control. This is "my" cutting. "My" pain. I am in control. No one can "force" me to seek medical attention. Unless I choose to.

Then here is where the "damming" and "shaming" comes in. Rebellion takes over. The lying voices in my head that scream "I am wrong to be stubborn." "I am so defiant." "That what I am doing is not right." "How dare you." "Shame shame shame on you." Even go as far as calling myself, "stupid," "idiot," "dummy." Beliefs I heard growing up from my parents. Beliefs that made my self worth a zero.

This realization was an eye-opener for me today. Sure as heck, I know I am stubborn. Big time! As well as I know I am fearful. But it is not about the pain. It is not about the fear. It goes deeper. It is about the shame that makes me do what I do.

With saying all this, I extend an opportunity for any others who do suffer with other harmful survival mechanisms. That result in self injury. To look deep inside, if you have not already done so. Come to the realization of what triggers your responses to act on your survival mechanism. Then ask yourself, as I will have to do, "are you ready to admit such and such is causing you to cut, to not eat, to physically hurt yourself?" Are you ready to admit, "it is time to let go of, the lies you have been told?" "Whatever trauma you experienced was NOT your fault?" "You were an innocent bystander that was taken advantage of."

I too am running this very difficult race as well. I too am posing these same very questions to myself. Not fun. And not easy. But "REAL."

***I am learning and beginning to believe who I am in Christ. So, I am aware of this. Just sharing this post, as now I have a reason behind my action.***



  2. JBR, Shame is such a disabling feeling. it makes us think that not only have we done something bad but that we are a bad person. I've struggled with shame all my life but God has been teaching me that because of Jesus' shed blod on the cross I am declared innocent. Because of His grace that's how He sees me and sees you. Now if He can just teach me to see myself like He sees me. Praying for us both.

  3. Real is what youi are. Shame is a hard one. You're a walking miracle and a encouragement.

  4. JBR,
    The earlier the age that a person is wounded inside the tougher it is to understand why we do the the things we do - why we react in ways that harm ourselves. Becoming aware of the reasons WHY you do certain things brings you one step closer to overcoming them. I have seen this at work in my own life too. The Holy Spirit will bring certain things to light when He goes to work on those areas. We begin to understand ourselves better and when we allow God to work on these areas grace pours in and we feel much better after a while.
    It all begins with love though. Not our own but God's love. He loves us unconditionally. Really and truly loves us. May His infinite love reach into your heart and heal your wounds, my friend. I am praying for you.

  5. (((JBR)))...Despite the pain, I know you are a source of encouragement and strength for others out here. God bless you...

  6. Wow...very deep. Thank you for being vulnerably REAL here. It makes so much sense. I am seeing myself here. Will spend time searching these thought provoking questions you have presented.

    Praise God for this revelation in you.

    Patrina <")>><

  7. this is def hard...growing up in an environment where shame is taught...it def takes realization and intentionality to change those habits...prayers for you JBR

  8. JBR I know the self-harming is often ways to express deep distress and cope with painful memories. Understanding why you self-harm can be a vital first step toward your recovery. I think you're there. If you can figure out what function your self-injury serves, you can learn other ways to get those needs met—which in turn can reduce your desire to hurt yourself. God bless.

  9. JBR, you are the most REAL person that I know. I hear you saying that the self-harming by not seeking medical treatment is about feeling in control of some small area of your life. I get it. This particular method of ignoring your pain can result in the loss of your life if the pain is from something major. I pray that doesn't happen, that you will heal so that you can say to yourself and believe it that you are worth seeking medical help for your pain.

    Pain is our body's way of telling us that something is wrong and needs to be checked out. You are still in control when you go to a doctor. You can still refuse or accept treatment but just knowing what is causing the pain puts you in control even more, not less, of what is happening to your body.

    Pain makes me want to disconnect from my body instead of staying connected. I have worked very hard to reconnect with my body after many years of being disconnected as a way of denying that the incest happened. I used to ignore my body completely until it would get so sick that I had to seek medical attention.

    Today I listen to my body. I know what the deep shame feels like. I also know what it feels like to let go of that shame and to give it back to my abusers.

    Please don't look at any of my words as a judgment or a condemnation of you, like the words that you heard from your parents as a child. I hope that you can hear my words and the words of everyone else here as encouragement in hoping that you can heal this issue of shame and self-harm. You deserve to be pain-free and in joy rather than in pain.

    This journey of self discovery is not an easy one. Know that I love you. Please accept that those of us who have commented here really do love you. Can that be enough until you can learn to love yourself?

  10. I'm remaining anonymous as you've touched a nerve with what you said.

  11. HI JBR - thisis so profound and deeply reflective. Please remember that any control we exert in our lives that is painful is our attempt to lessen the pain of that which we could not or cannot control from our pasts. Ever time you allow yourself to be in pain, by choice, you are empowering your abusers as well - they have had enough power in your life.
    Love to you
    p.s. I am honored you chose a picture from my last post for your desk top wow!!

  12. While self-injury may bring a momentary sense of calm and a release of tension, it's usually followed by guilt and shame and the return of painful emotions. I invite you to a self-injury board where you have the opportunity to discuss your concerns with others alike.

  13. Sorry here's the link - http://gabrielle.self-injury.net/

  14. JBR this is too weird how much we are alike. I don't cut but I have done other things to cause pain to myself such as enduring ailments or plucking hairs from my body. I'm in control of the pain being inflicted, I can stop it at any time I want. In contrast, when others are hurting me I have no control.

    As I normally say to you, I-So-Totally-Understand-You!


  15. Oh, also, my husband and I just talked about this last night which makes your post even weirder for me, it was the first time I'v shared with him why I do the things I do and we've been married 14 years!


  16. JBR i've not been here in a long time. Just reading now some of your past posts adn seeing some highs and lows. Also some new developments with your jouruny.You always keep a positive outlook no matter what your going through. Hang in there my frined. Hang in there. You've got what it takes.

  17. JBR i've not been here in a long time. Just reading now some of your past posts adn seeing some highs and lows. Also some new developments with your jouruny.You always keep a positive outlook no matter what your going through. Hang in there my frined. Hang in there. You've got what it takes.

  18. I think this is a very insightful post. Good for you for exploring this issue in therapy. Of course, I hope you realize that you're worth seeking medical care for your ailments.


    Wishing you well,

  19. Your way of dealing with this issue is Real, and you seem to find to always have faith to carry through.

    Have a great weekend!

  20. JBR morning. Thinking about you. God Bless.

  21. Everything that ever caused a tear to trickle down my cheek, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten time more.

  22. June_ButterflyAugust 13, 2011

    I don't think it is easy to share our thoughts,esp those that bring out pains to others.You aer one gutsy lady!I truly admire you for being honest enough to write down your inner thoughts.

  23. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes when I am here I feel my daughter goes through similar pain with her OCD/BDD. ((HUGS))