MY FORM OF CUTTING

I had no clue how the Spirit was going to lead me, and if at all, on this topic. Nevertheless, I can always tell if my posts are coming from the Spirit or from myself. The ones that flow easy are from the Spirit and in my opinion are therefore usually a divine post for someone or someone(s) out there to grab hold of.

T. revealed more of a deep seeded shame issue. Which prompted the title of this post. Which could also read, My Form of anorexia or bulimia or Trichotillomania or Masochism, etc.

Even though I do not suffer from any of the above per ce, mine comes in the form of enduring any type of physical pain regarding my health.

Could be from a serious nagging tooth ache, lumps, bumps and masses found on and in my body. Pains in my side, my legs, my arms, my head, my eyes. You name it. Something that could possibly be easily fixed. But, I refuse to have whatever fixed. Sure I can mask the pain for awhile. But never totally fix it. Fear plays a part in the mix as well.

But in order to fully understand why I do what I do, you have to REALLY GO DEEPER.

I shared how my mum and dad, especially my mum, would "shame" me into doing things that I did not want to do. That is all I kind of ever knew growing up. So, as I am discovering, I have chosen the route dealing with my health to control. Why? Only God knows. You can ask yourself the same question, "Why do I cut?" "Why do I not eat?"

It does not matter how much pain I could be in. I could be suffering through tremendous amount of agony, where tears would be rolling down my face as I am wracked with pain. Still somehow I endure it and make it through. However long it takes. And however many times the ailment comes back. Sure, I loose sleep over it. Miss work. Have fear take over because of it. But will that change my mind? Not at this point.

So, do I get pleasure out of feeling pain? No not really. Sure, I can say, it makes me feel alive. But at the same time, it hurts like hell!!!!!

Right now I would rather endure the agony then make the effort to have the pain taken care of. I hang on to the control. This is "my" cutting. "My" pain. I am in control. No one can "force" me to seek medical attention. Unless I choose to.

Then here is where the "damming" and "shaming" comes in. Rebellion takes over. The lying voices in my head that scream "I am wrong to be stubborn." "I am so defiant." "That what I am doing is not right." "How dare you." "Shame shame shame on you." Even go as far as calling myself, "stupid," "idiot," "dummy." Beliefs I heard growing up from my parents. Beliefs that made my self worth a zero.

This realization was an eye-opener for me today. Sure as heck, I know I am stubborn. Big time! As well as I know I am fearful. But it is not about the pain. It is not about the fear. It goes deeper. It is about the shame that makes me do what I do.

With saying all this, I extend an opportunity for any others who do suffer with other harmful survival mechanisms. That result in self injury. To look deep inside, if you have not already done so. Come to the realization of what triggers your responses to act on your survival mechanism. Then ask yourself, as I will have to do, "are you ready to admit such and such is causing you to cut, to not eat, to physically hurt yourself?" Are you ready to admit, "it is time to let go of, the lies you have been told?" "Whatever trauma you experienced was NOT your fault?" "You were an innocent bystander that was taken advantage of."

I too am running this very difficult race as well. I too am posing these same very questions to myself. Not fun. And not easy. But "REAL."

***I am learning and beginning to believe who I am in Christ. So, I am aware of this. Just sharing this post, as now I have a reason behind my action.***