"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

***VERY DIFFICULT TIME***

I was debating whether to post this. Put my pride aside. Put my unworthy excuses away. But, I knew that if I did not, my forward healing progress would be delayed.

I do not know if some of you have noticed my past few posts share how I remain in a valley. Desperately seeking God. Hurting still from being let go from my job. Breaking down. Being "forced" very very scared out of my comfort zone.

Even though my most recent post about me finding a promising road in my valley was encouraging, I also warned about the winding curves not knowing what lies ahead. Well, today I went around the first one. And to the human mind, it was not my promise land. In fact, my valley just got a little deeper.

Not to go into detail, but I would like to ask for prayer. Encouragement. Whatever is placed on your heart to share with me.

What I am presently going through requires MUCH faith. Something I never really relied on before. In essence I want the spirit of fear to be broken. My irrational fears have, for the most part, always ruled my life. For now, these fears have such a stronghold on me. This becomes a very very dark time for me. I could swear at times I feel the struggle in the spiritual realm for my survival. There is a tremendous attack from the enemy. Satan would like nothing more than to win this battle. But he will NOT! I am determined with God by my side that he will NOT!

I have just gotten into a place where I am depending on God more than man. Still at the very early stages. Satan knows this too. And he is not going to let me get off easy.

Today, something came up sooner than expected. Which has brought on irrational fears of monumental proportion. Putting me into panic mode.

I know my fears are irrational. I would be the First to admit this now! I learned and seen this since day one when I went into t. But it is just not that easy.....

For my new readers, and for some of you who may not remember, when I am confronted with irrational fears (fears that some of you may think, "huh, why are you getting so bent out of shape about that?), usually means in my mind I go from A right to Z. "Z" being no hope. The end. Might as well give in and give up. Skipping all other options, reasoning's, answers in between. Paralyzing and affecting my whole physical and emotional being. Panic, loss of appetite, pain, depression etc.

I did not get this way over night. How I reacts is mainly due to my upbringing. The trauma of my parents divorce. My brother sexually abusing me. The many years of isolation because of my pain. The controlling of my mum with my early years into adulthood. She basically doing everything for me. Not to let her little girl (me) get hurt. Having to protect her. Enforcing in my mind that I was not capable of doing anything on my own. Not letting me develop healthy from adolescent to adult. Her extreme irrational fears that I took upon myself.

As a young child, what I saw before my eyes as my family was torn apart. What I felt in my little girl but could not scream out. And only screamed inside. Could not cry. So very angry! Fearful. Shaking. Cowering. Condemning myself. Blaming myself. Hitting myself. Hating myself. Abandonment issues. My little child died inside. Internalized. The pain I could not express in my most dire need as a hurt child. Wanting the hurt to go away in my belly. Wanting the booboo fixed and made better. Wanting comfort. Let me cry and not scold me. Someone to tell me everything will be ok.

Little JBR is really small and scared now. And for the most part if some of you are really tuned in and discerning, you can see when little JBR and big JBR appears in this post.

By God's design today's incident happened the day of my t. Which helped tremendously. I was able to talk some of it out.

With all this being said, I may not be around for a few days to post or come by and see any of your blogs. I do not want you to worry! God will be with me. I will be okay.

This is all part of the healing process. The journey. For me to even reach out and share this post that "I need help" and support from my bloggy friends it a Big Step for me. Admitting that I am hurting really bad and cannot do this on my own. That I need your prayers and encouragement. I will read your comments.

I will be seeking God's will for my next step(s) even more during this time.

Thank you.

31 comments:

  1. I'm praying for you, my friend. His bog, loving, pritective arms are wrapped around you. Take a deep breath and know Jeremiah 29:11 is for you.

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  2. Hang in there kiddo. Big Time hug.

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  3. Hey hon,
    It's okay. I was wondering about you over the past week. God is with you, carrying you through this. Cling onto Him and trust Him with blind faith. He is right there with you. Sometimes He tests us, in order to grow us. I am praying for you and won't stop...actually I haven't stopped at all since I fist met you here, but I will increase the prayer.

    Psalm 20:1-5
    May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble; May the name of the God of Jacob defend you;May He send you help from the sanctuary,And strengthen you out of Zion; May He remember all your offerings, And accept your burnt sacrifice.May He grant you according to your heart's desire, And fulfill all your purpose. We will rejoice in your salvation, And in the name of our God we will set up our banners! May the LORD fulfill all your petitions.

    Jesus, cover my sister in Your hedge of protection and encourage her. Let her feel You every present love, joy and peace. Guide her through this valley and let Your light shine in. Fill her with hope and grow her in You. In Jesus' name amen.

    Feel free to email me if you like. Email is found on my blog. :)

    Praying and praying.
    <><

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  4. JBR, God is bigger than that stronghold and He will give you the faith if you continue to ask Him to just remain with you. He knows you better than you know yourself. He knows your TRUE insides....the beauty that has transformed through the ashes. I will be praying for you every hour of the day and will be sending you thoughts of courage & praying that God gives you the discernment to make the right decisions as you work your way out of this valley. It seems that every time we turn around and get halfway up that mountain, something kicks us faster than we can blink back to that valley! We will overcome because our Father is the Overcomer! Love ya girl!

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  5. I am praying for you and asking God for the right words. There was victory in just letting the words come out in your post. You will be victorious as God breaks you through this!

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  6. Oh goodness, I just read this post, was checking my Bible and somehow posted my comment for this post on Wednesday, Promise Land post. Please read it there and know you are in my prayers. Reaching out is healing in itself. He and you WILL WIN this battle.

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  7. May God give you strength, wisdom and many blessings....

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  8. praying that Father God will uphold you with His right hand (and He will...because He promised!)

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  9. Dearest JBR, my heart goes out to you. I know what fear is, and the loss of a job due to disability, and not being able to perform as well as my able bodied colleagues, th e shame and anxiety connected with it.


    Oh JBR be encoraged. God is with you. We all will be praying for you dear sister. We love you an d God love s you dearly. You are precious to all of us

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  10. Prayer support assured. C

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  11. You know that you are in my prayers, dear one. Once the spirit of fear is broken things become so much easier. Satan likes to keep us bound by fear - but you already know that. I've fought this battle a number of times. I think praying Psalm 27 out loud each day could be a big help in this area. The power of God's word is tremendous when it comes to spiritual battles.

    God bless "She will conquer" (and you WILL). I'm standing in prayer with you on this one.

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  12. The Lord brought me here today on my Fearless Friday day...I got your back girl...((hugs)) praying in agreement with you. Matthew 18:18-29

    They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them. They are confident and fearless and can face their foes triumphantly.” ~ Psalm 112:7-8 NLT

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  13. Dear JBR, I am lifting you up in prayer this very minute. God bless and keep you safely in the palm of His hand.

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  14. We can be in the valley for the longest time as long as we have Him, and truly believe that, then, we must trust that we will overcome. God's Armor never mentioned anything for our backs. Turning away from our battles is not an option. We are facing a true spiritual battle but He provides us with His Armor and other arsenal of weapons. Praying that His love, faithfulness and true promises will always remind you to be strong in His mighty power. God bless JBR!

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  15. JBR - you remain in my thoughts and prayers. You have survived so much, and I know you can make it through this too. Continuous prayers being sent your way - and a giant hug :0)

    Take care of yourself.

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  16. Keeping you close in my heart and praying for you. I am sorry you are in a bad place right now. I know that God is with you always and He will help you through this. If you need anything at all please email me. ((HUGS))

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  17. Prayers for you here, JBR. When my kids get really upset about something, I usually tell ask them what's the best thing that could happen and what's the worst thing that could happen. Then I tell them that probably what will really happen will be neither of those things, and it will be something in-between. Sometimes that helps to calm them down and give them a new perspective on things. I hope you can keep making progress on working things out.

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  18. JBR my eyes have tears. Tears for your little girl that wasn't allowed to be free and cry. I'm so sorry JBR. I really am. I only have good intentions for you that God will fill that painful void. Take the fear away from your little child and comfort her. Your pain has affected me. Didn't think it would.

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  19. AnonymousJuly 13, 2012

    YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING. JBR I'M SORRY FOR YOUR PAIN AND YOUR HOME LIFE. NO INNOCENT CHILD SHOULD GO THROUGH ANY TRAMA. AND IF THEY DO, THEY NEED TO BE SAT DOWN AND EXPLAINED TO. I'M SORRY. WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU.

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  20. Sending good thoughts to you at this time. I'm sorry along with your other followers.

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  21. Dear JBR,

    I have read this post and am concerned for you, yet hopeful that The Lord is doing something special in your life right now. I place you safely in His very capable hands...May the Lord's perfect will be done, For His glory, and for your healing, may Jesus walk with you around each bend of the path you are walking...You are never alone~Never forsaken~ In Jesus' Name~ Amen.
    Lisa

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  22. JBR I felt led to share this scripture verse with you today. The Lord is placing on my heart for you in the next coming days. God Bless.

    Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice. Isaiah 41: 10

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  23. JBR I meant to finish that sentence. The Lord is placing on my heart other things to share with you in the next coming days. God Bless.

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  24. JBR, I know that the LORD is right there beside you...holding you and walking thru this with you. When I get in trouble...in my mind...and can't get the fear to stop...I go to Psalm 23. It reminds me that even though I'm walking thru that dark valley right now, HE will never leave me. I do something else that really is something that calms me and helps me to sleep...I lay my Bible on me chest, wrap my arms around it and start talking to the LORD. Then I just seem to have peace wash over me and next thing I know I'm waking up a few hours later. I will keep you in my prayers. Blessings...Chelle

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  25. Oh, I remember going through the harsh healing. It was raw and many day I just cried until I could not cry no more. When I realized that I was God's daughter, Princess, friend and most of all that He would never leave me, I healed. I hope and pray that for you and anyone else reading this. The healing is so great and freeing. God bless you.

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  26. Hi JBR:

    You are so honest in your blogs, and I'm sure it encourages many others to hear about your journey. You might be at one of those places where we simply have to step out and 'cast our cares upon Him', where we don't have any new answers, just a new step of faith. Our feelings hold us back so often, and then God seems to remind us that no matter what we are feeling, His truth remains alive and well in us.

    You just keep going for it JBR! Satan would have you stay in the cobwebs of your own feelings, emotions, past, and all the mess of all of it. I have seen you bravely move ahead, and I also see you experiencing all of those old feelings so many times. When there is not anything left to deal with... step INTO God's light. He is there, and it is HIS hand that continues to hold you.

    Praying for you right now my friend, that the windows of your heart will continue to let His light shine out all the dark stuff. The bottom line is that HE has already conquered all of it, and He understands our frail spirits, better than we do.

    Pulling for you and praying for you!

    xo

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  27. sandy hyde - develop spirituallyJuly 16, 2012

    Take it from someone whose been down this road before. Your post and even blog has inspired and set off a spark.

    I find that we replay past mistakes over and over again in our head, allowing feelings of shame and regret to shape our actions in the present. We cling to frustration and worry about the future, as if the act of fixation somehow gives us power. We hold stress in our minds and bodies, potentially creating serious health issues, and accept that state of tension as the norm. It's not.

    I think you've got a pretty good idea what the answer is. -sandy-

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  28. I send you love and tender hugs
    and lift up my heart to join with yours
    in saying yes to everything the Father
    has for you,
    even these scary turns in the road
    and in saying no to the old ways of thinking
    and reacting that keep us stuck.
    Yes to re-thinking, yes to trusting and letting go, yes to being loved and cared for tender
    by a shepherd who is relentless in his love
    and passion to save and soothe us.
    soothing, saving love to you, JBR
    ...may you sense it around every turn.
    -Jennifer

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  29. Your bravery to write this post is inspiring. I will pray for you :) You and God are in this together, He's got you and will bring you into freedom that you both desire for you. Keep looking up princess! With love x

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  30. JBR I want to share the following with you.

    Heal me, O Lord and I shall be healed, save me, and I shall be saved; for thou art my praise. Jer. 17:14

    God Bless.

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  31. hi,
    My favorite psalm when things are valley deep is 121. Its my absoulte fav. It doesn't always help but it comforts me.
    I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
    2 My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.
    3 He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
    4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.
    5 The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
    6 the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.
    7 The Lord will keep you from all harm —
    he will watch over your life;
    8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

    I really enjoy reading your blog. I admire your honestly and faith no matter how small you may feel. I totally understand about the going from A to Z, all or nothing thinking, I do that too. You will get through this. Your already on your way.

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