Keep in mind these posts are in original form, with my original text from three years ago. What I personally shared was what I was experiencing then.
Today's repost pertains to Letting Memories In:
“Few survivors feel that they have control over their memories. Most feel that the memories have control of them, that they do not choose the time and place that a new memory will emerge. You may be able to fight them off for a time, but the price-nightmares, headaches, exhaustion-is not worth staving off the inevitable.
Not everyone can tell when a memory is coming, but many survivors do get warnings, a certain physical sensation or feeling, that clues them in. Your stomach may get tight. You may sleep poorly or have frightening dreams. Or you may be warned in other ways:
I always know when they’re coming. I get very tense. I get very scared. I get snappy at things that ordinarily wouldn’t make me angry. I get sad. Usually it’s anger and anxiety and fear that come first. And I have a choice. It’s a real conscious choice. It’s either I want it or I don’t want it. And I said, “I don’t want it,” a lot. When I did that, I would just get sicker and sicker. I’d get more depressed. I’d get angry irrationally.
Now I don’t say I don’t want it. It’s not worth it. My body seems to need to release it. The more I heal, the more I see these memories are literally stored in my body, and they’ve got to get out. Otherwise I’m going to carry them forever.” (Courage to Heal)
Another woman shares,
“The more I worked on the abuse, the more I remembered. First I remembered my brother, and then my grandfather. About six months after that I remembered my father. And then about a year later, I remembered my mother. I remembered the “easiest” first and the “hardest” last. Even though it was traumatic for me to realize that everyone in my family abused me, there was something reassuring about it. For a long time I’d felt worse than the initial memories should have made me feel, so remembering the rest of the abuse was actually one of the most grounding things to happen. My life suddenly made sense.” (Courage to Heal)
Do you see yourself in any of this?
It seems that once we have accepted that we were abused and are not in denial, and remembering much about our abuse, certain things come into perspective, as the author above stated, “My life suddenly made sense.”
I am not forwarned if a new memory arises despite feeling uptight most of the time, angry at things I should not be, and extremely sad and depressed (those two have been a part of my life).
Through much prayer now, if I find myself struggling with recollection of a memory, I tend to eventually remember more to the incident. Not necessarily at that moment. May take a day, a week, a month, etc. All in God's timing, if so be it! I believe it all depends on the individual also and how much they are willing to let go and how truly they want to be healed into freedom!
A lot of the time it is extremely frightening remembering, recalling as I do this by myself or in a safe environment at my t. session. A lot of the time "I just do not want to go there!" I become so frighten! I do know and I am reassured, that once I face these fears, "the monsters" will be so much easier to handle!! So, with that in mind, that is the "hope" I hold on to!!!!
When alone, if I feel I really need to see more into a particular memory, I try and become more relaxed and not "try so hard." Now, I am only speaking for myself. Everyone is different. A lot of you do not want to even face anymore than you already know, and I certainly can understand that, and that is okay!
I had to take a breather the other day, as I was having a difficult time processing, so I too need to be cautious and know my limitations and not end up in a tailspin.