I had an interesting memory surface just now. I was scanning the tv channels and I came across, of all things, a Partridge Family episode. It was the end of the program. The family was playing Monopoly. Keith Partridge (David Cassidy) landed on one of Danny's properties and Keith was trying to bribe Danny in not making him pay and lose all his money.
Anyway, flash back to my dad, my mum, my brother and me. We were playing Monopoly one night. At the dinner table. This memory just surfaced with gusto and a "rush of shame." Wow! Had not remembered what I felt that night until now. I was around five when this incident took place.
Since I did not have the concept of money (still do not at times), real estate, let alone the rules of the game, my dad apparently landed on one of my properties. I do not even know how I obtained the property. I think I just liked playing with the little metal toys. I am sure I was helped throughout the game.
I then recall how my dad was trying to bribe me somehow so he did not have to pay out. I can see my dad actually talking to me. Me looking up at him questioning what he was saying. Again having no concept of the game. I think I was just excited that our family was participating in something together.
Then as clear as it was yesterday, I can hear my mum then yelling at my dad, "Walter, you can't do that. She doesn't know." I can feel what I felt then. Which was, and I will talk as Little JBR, "stupid and dumb."
I think the "she doesn't know" bit got me! Even though I was so young, I wanted to know. It was already instilled in me to be expected to know what I was doing from my dad. But, I did not know what was going on. Did not know my dad was trying to con his little girl so that he would not lose. Having my mum very upset with him. Adults were talking grown-up talk and arguing about something that pertained to me. And even to this day I struggle when I do not grasp hold of a concept quickly or someone is pulling the wool over my eyes. I get the shame, dumb feeling. Even though I know better now that I am none of those. My little girl finds her way back into these hurt areas from time to time.
Wow, where did this memory come from.....?
Memories have a way of sneaking up on us and suddenly appearing out of no where. It can be upsetting but also as you have said here revealing so that we can make a connection from the child to now. How others can affect us.
ReplyDeleteI used to play monopoly when I was younger as well.
Smiles and blessings JBR.
That is interesting.
ReplyDeleteIt,s funny how a memory from a young age will come. Im sure you realize this now but I just want to rassure you that you were a perfect normal 5 year old. Hugs.
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It,s funny how a memory from a young age will come. Im sure you realize this now but I just want to rassure you that you were a perfect normal 5 year old. Hugs.
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Sweet one it is amazing how those memories can surface after so many years and we can be back to feeling like the little girl who had no control of your life at that point. I think it is important to remember and get past it and realize your none of those things you were a 5 year old little girl acting perfectly normal. But my things can still leave their scars..I just wish I could hug you..
ReplyDelete((((JBR)))),
Viv
JBR you've grown so much. You realize you're not any of those things. You're growing closer to who God has intended you to be. God Bless.
ReplyDeletepopped by to wish you a beautiful day.....full of Sonshine.....
ReplyDeleteJBR,
ReplyDeleteI pray you have a blessed day.
Ken
God's restoration is amazing and I see He's working with you! Just imagine the jewel you'll become...the jewel we all become when the refining process is complete. Glory be to God! Hugs JBR
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Isn't it surprising how some little thing can trigger a memory for us, and suddenly we are right back to that moment in time reliving it? Thankfully remembering it now from your current perspective can help you get past what you felt back then as a child. You know now that you were just a young child and you were innocent, not stupid and not dumb.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for this bad memory, JBR. Yep, sometimes these painful things just jump out at us from the most unexpected places. It always throws me for a loop.
ReplyDeleteI actually love how God gives those flashbacks to us. It is as if our perspective can change things now. We can remember how we felt, but now we can see the truth in the feelings. Our perspective can change and insight is given. I love how He releases these memories at times when we may be surprised but He has a perfect reason. Many blessings!
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