and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23
My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.
Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.
Daddy let me be secure in You only!
Thursday, December 06, 2012
TONIGHT'S INTENSE THERAPY SESSION
Journaling tonight's therapy session before I forget. May be erratic at times. As my little girl is still with me and feeling the intense exhaustive effects from what was discussed in session.
I know it requires a lot of faith, courage and strength for myself and my little girl especially to show up weekly knowing that we are there with the intent to talk about something painful. A lot of the time our sessions weave in and out. Many times I "feel" I am erratic and all over the place as I try to spit out everything at once before forgetting. Forgetting comes easily to me now. Maybe hormones. That is why I try and journal right away. I always felt hurried as a child. Bringing over to some of the stuff I do today with rushing.
My therapist pointed out how I hide behind the big clothes I wear. Big shirts. Covering up. Figity. Expressing my appearance as, "you leave me alone." Finding safety in my oversize clothes. But at the same time, hurting so bad to be normal and for someone to care without me having to fear.
We talked about my other older brothers' advances towards me (see previous post). How he came on to me when I was in my twenties. Having to push him away. Knowing something is not right here. Sadly my brother took his life at thirty three suffering from his own demons.
Also discussed was how I have been affected sexually by both my brothers and how I respond to attention or affection from either sexes today because of the abuse. Confusing lust with love. Intimacy with intensity. Sexual abuse can impair one's trust in a relationship. Sexually or among friends.
I have learned much that survivors such as I can often misunderstand physical touch. There are certain men that I do not feel safe with. Now if it is a male acquaintance from a safe environment, whom I do not feel pressure from then I am okay. For the most part. Otherwise, I am not. Feel threaten of being sexually assualted if they get too close and too comfortable with me. So many times in my life, I have literally run away. Leaving a date a couple of times in confusion. Standing them up even out of fear.
I associate a lot of the time that: the male spieces = sex. And can actually view them that way. Overpowering and raping me. Literally frightening me for my safety. Even if it was not their intent.
Sexual abuse as a child is a significant trauma that affects every part of your being. Spiritual, emotional, mental and physical. But there is good news. Healing like God can only heal can and will reverse the lies and damage of abuse. Not pleasant to relive right now and experience some flashbacks as I recount. But, I want to. I want to heal. Asking my Heavenly Daddy to heal my memories. I want my freedom.