Journaling tonight's therapy session before I forget. May be erratic at times. As my little girl is still with me and feeling the intense exhaustive effects from what was discussed in session.
I know it requires a lot of faith, courage and strength for myself and my little girl especially to show up weekly knowing that we are there with the intent to talk about something painful. A lot of the time our sessions weave in and out. Many times I "feel" I am erratic and all over the place as I try to spit out everything at once before forgetting. Forgetting comes easily to me now. Maybe hormones. That is why I try and journal right away. I always felt hurried as a child. Bringing over to some of the stuff I do today with rushing.
My therapist pointed out how I hide behind the big clothes I wear. Big shirts. Covering up. Figity. Expressing my appearance as, "you leave me alone." Finding safety in my oversize clothes. But at the same time, hurting so bad to be normal and for someone to care without me having to fear.
We talked about my other older brothers' advances towards me (see previous post). How he came on to me when I was in my twenties. Having to push him away. Knowing something is not right here. Sadly my brother took his life at thirty three suffering from his own demons.
Also discussed was how I have been affected sexually by both my brothers and how I respond to attention or affection from either sexes today because of the abuse. Confusing lust with love. Intimacy with intensity. Sexual abuse can impair one's trust in a relationship. Sexually or among friends.
I have learned much that survivors such as I can often misunderstand physical touch. There are certain men that I do not feel safe with. Now if it is a male acquaintance from a safe environment, whom I do not feel pressure from then I am okay. For the most part. Otherwise, I am not. Feel threaten of being sexually assualted if they get too close and too comfortable with me. So many times in my life, I have literally run away. Leaving a date a couple of times in confusion. Standing them up even out of fear.
I associate a lot of the time that: the male spieces = sex. And can actually view them that way. Overpowering and raping me. Literally frightening me for my safety. Even if it was not their intent.
Sexual abuse as a child is a significant trauma that affects every part of your being. Spiritual, emotional, mental and physical. But there is good news. Healing like God can only heal can and will reverse the lies and damage of abuse. Not pleasant to relive right now and experience some flashbacks as I recount. But, I want to. I want to heal. Asking my Heavenly Daddy to heal my memories. I want my freedom.
Therapy can be so intense.
ReplyDeleteyeah my dad sexually abused me when I was very young and I don't think I'll ever understand why. I just feel so depressed and confused sometimes. Knowing what happened makes me sick and I often can't eat because I just have no appetite.
ReplyDeleteWhen you feel depression approaching, I encourage you to seek out the love of your heavenly Father who wants nothing more than to love and bless you. He will help you rise above the ashes of your past to look upon the horizon and know that a life full of still waters and green pastures awaits you.
DeleteGod Bless.
Not being a victim of such trauma as sexual abuse, I cannot identity with that which you struggle so. However, I can say that the next time Satan tries to remind you of your past, you quickly remind him of his future! Might your healing be swift and complete as only the good Lord can accomplish, but only according to His will and perfect timing…
ReplyDeleteGod Bless.
That's good things are more coming to the surface. I often too cannot be close to some men. I feel like they'll attack me or if they're too close I will start to shake. Even if it's a simple hi I want to dash and be hidden. But Daddy always reminds me that He is with me, blessings.
ReplyDeleteIt truly saddens my heart that women such as yourself live in fear, but I am also joyful in that your trust is in the Lord, my prayer is that the Lord will guard you always, heal the scares of your past, and relinquish your fears.
DeleteGod Bless.
Hey there hon, this is a huge step towards your healing. Please remember I am praying for you often, covering you in the blood of Jesus and praying a fire hedge protection around you.
ReplyDeleteSafe hugs,
<><
Your one brave lady. I can't see myself sharing what you do. Your strong. I only pray and hope that you find solice in your pursuit of happiness.
ReplyDeletelots of psychology n spirituality...
ReplyDeleteThank you kind person for telling your story. I can't tell you how much this means to me to read your heartbreaking words. Words I can identify with. Myheart breaks with yours. I've had much pain in my life. I know God's the only one that can help me. I'm glad I've found you. I'll be visiting often. You're an answered prayer. Thank you and kisses.
ReplyDeleteOne other thing I like your picture and verses from the Bible. You're really special.
ReplyDeleteJBR why am I always touched by your life. Why do I always come here. Because there is something about your life that I can relate to. I like what the poster said above. You're special. You are. Remember that. God knows it. He loves you. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteHope that you get help from the therapy . Your childhood was tough and you need to be totally healed and face the future with confidence. God is with you andI hope you let go, forgive and let god's love saturate you so that there will be no room for pain.
ReplyDeleteGod's word is as powerful as a two edged sword and within that word is a promise from God which says 'This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of Him.' So we are going to ask our lovely Heavenly Father something that we know is according to His will - that you be totally healed from all that is in your past that you feel is robbing you of your peace. Satan is the one bringing all these memories into your mind, and he is the one that caused these men in your family to act in this way. It is a spiritual battle and it belongs to the Lord. He will heal you, trust Him.
ReplyDeleteJBR I wish I could hug you in person and show you how very special you truly are. I have had many demons to deal with myself and it is so hard but Your Father in Heaven will get you through them and let you have peace of mind. It took me awhile to find that peace but I now have it plus I am loved the right way now. And God is who brought me through it all. Your so special kind and loving. I pray for nothing but the best for you today and everyday my dear one.
ReplyDeleteBig (((HUGS))),
Viv
Hang in there sweety.
ReplyDeleteJBR,
ReplyDeleteYou have a powerful testimony and based on the comments above, the Lord is using you to reach many. Keep up the courage and good work.
Blessings!
So glad to hear that progress is being made for you. Blessings to you, JBR.
ReplyDeleteprayin for you...wishing I had the right words or could somehow make it better...
ReplyDeleteYou are still hanging in there and growing and trying, God s still working on you and I'm still praying for you.
ReplyDeleteEach day Jesus carries us in His strong arms. He will carry you through. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteI want to share this Psalm I read today, it's long but so comforting, Psalm 18. I believe I read this today so I could share this with you!
ReplyDelete1I love you, Lord;you are my strength.2The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.He is my shield, the power that saves me,and my place of safety.3I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise,and he saved me from my enemies.4The ropes of death entangled me;floods of destruction swept over me.5The gravea wrapped its ropes around me;death laid a trap in my path.6But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;
yes, I prayed to my God for help.He heard me from his sanctuary;my cry to him reached his ears.7Then the earth quaked and trembled.The foundations of the mountains shook;they quaked because of his anger.8Smoke poured from his nostrils;fierce flames leaped from his mouth.
Glowing coals blazed forth from him.9He opened the heavens and came down;dark storm clouds were beneath his feet.10Mounted on a mighty angelic being,b he flew,soaring on the wings of the wind.
11He shrouded himself in darkness,veiling his approach with dark rain clouds.12Thick clouds shielded the brightness around him and rained down hail and burning coals.13The Lord thundered from heaven;the voice of the Most High resounded
amid the hail and burning coals.14He shot his arrows and scattered his enemies;his lightning flashed, and they were greatly confused.15Then at your command, O Lord,at the blast of your breath,the bottom of the sea could be seen,and the foundations of the earth were laid bare.16He reached down from heaven and rescued me;he drew me out of deep waters.17He rescued me from my powerful enemies,from those who hated me and were too strong for me.18They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress,but the Lord supported me.19He led me to a place of safety;he rescued me because he delights in me.20The Lord rewarded me for doing right;he restored me because of my innocence.21For I have kept the ways of the Lord;I have not turned from my God to follow evil.22I have followed all his regulations;I have never abandoned his decrees.23I am blameless before God;I have kept myself from sin.24The Lord rewarded me for doing right.He has seen my innocence.25To the faithful you show yourself faithful;to those with integrity you show integrity.26To the pure you show yourself pure,but to the wicked you show yourself hostile.27You rescue the humble,but you humiliate the proud.28You light a lamp for me.
The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness.29In your strength I can crush an army;with my God I can scale any wall.30God’s way is perfect.All the Lord’s promises prove true.He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.31For who is God except the Lord?Who but our God is a solid rock?32God arms me with strength,and he makes my way perfect.(I can't post the whole thing but please read it)
sending you prayers and love JBR
ReplyDeleteBut, I want to. I want to heal. Asking my Heavenly Daddy to heal my memories. I want my freedom. ...amen amen amen...I struggled for a long time wearing baggy clothes, to hide myself..I so related to what you wrote in everything....I behave and behaved the same way for a long time...A few have mentioned to me..à transformation`` also purging..being purged, cleansed and purified. God is doing all that in this healing time...yes the memories, relieving it, having them come back to me can be as if it was happening all over again but it isn`t..someone said to me..Àngela, its time to let those memories go now. You don`t need to go back there anymore. Your healed. It`s time to move forward....so I am...and I`m embracing..I told my daugther..Ì`m like a four year old girl in a 48 year old`s body. I`m starting to grow up to the woman that God created me to be..that little girl is growing up finally...and I thank God for that...
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. Falling in love and be loved by someone is a beautiful thing. I pray that someday you can move beyond your fears and trust a man in your life. It is so sad that your brothers had to hurt you in that way. My heart aches for you. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteVery painful to read, but even more painful for you to endure. May God grant you strength and provide healing. He only wants good for you. I hope you will find peace.
ReplyDelete