"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, February 28, 2013


Please Read With Care

The little one wanted to write this post, but then realized her vocabulary would be limited. Finds it simplier to let Big JBR share in big girl talk.


I put up a Trigger Warning on this post due to the sexual content sensitivity.

I struggled with putting up a title for this post and could only come up with the word Molestation.

Today's therapy session we talked about one of the times I was molested by more than five boys at one time in Junior High School. On school property. Back in 1970. I do not want to say it was a gang rape. But it pretty much could have gone that way. The boys and I were around the same age, twelve.

I found it difficult at the start to get back to the memory to share with my therapist. It took me a couple of minutes to get there as I sat. To center. To relax. Focusing. My mind had trouble getting there. Trying to focus and recount the surroundings, the players and the abuse.

Mind you, this all taking place at age twelve. While I was already on an emotional downward spiral with having to deal with the trauma of my recent parents divorce a couple of months earlier. Then the forced move a month later to New York with my alcholic mum at the time, to live with her and a strange man who I was told to accept as "step-father." Leaving my dad, brothers, childhood friends, and whatever hometown life I had back in Florida. I was an emotionally unstable and confused kid who sucked in the pain and from that day on shut down even more. My heart died.

Anyway, I found myself "alone." Surrounded in a circle of boys within the school's dark corridor after recess. Quickly then being "run-through-the-mill" with each boy pushing me ahead to the next boy. Grabbing, kissing and groping me every which way they could over my body. Hands everywhere. Mouths all over.

I set this incident up to show you also "how shut off I can still be." Once again my therapist gave her "surprised look" as I non-chalantly brought this incident up.

I had no clue what I said had any significance. Not even realizing how serious what was done to me was important to talk about. How I was violated. Even relaying that statement to my therapist. Who again gave "the surpised" look.

When I see "that look," I know there is something my heart has NOT connected to. Then my therapist goes to work and brings these disconnections to light.

Even though I do not mean to, I argue my reasons with my therapist as to why I did what I did. To my little girl's mind my reasons seem so real and sincere. Usually my therapist then has to clarify the truth with me. More than once. More than twice. More than three times. More than.... well you get the picture. As my little mind deeply misconstrues the truth behind the trauma.

In sharing the molestation, I learned something vital today.

I have always thought it was my fault with what happened to me with the boys. I excused the abuse with seeking after acceptance.

My therapist had to drill it in my mind today, first and foremost that what happened with the molestation from the boys was not my fault!

Then she said something that clicked like it never clicked before. She told me I lost my boundaries when my older brother began molesting me at even a younger age and I was not capable of stopping him.

So, with these boys, I had no boundaries as well. I did not put up a fight. I did not stop them. I did not yell. I did not run away. I let them do whatever. I was afraid! I thought it was normal to be abused. Because my brother did it to me.

Having the difficulty that I do in receiving God's love and trust, explains a lot now.

Until today, all these 40+ years I thought what had happened was because I wanted to be accepted. I wanted attention. I wanted to be loved.

NO........, my boundaries were destroyed by my brother.

My little girl's innocence was taken. She was not even able to process at the time in her little mind of the sexual abuse. What she was forced to do orally and then have her brother molest her. No wonder she disassociated. She had no words for what was going on at the time. Her whole body was traumatized and her mind could not process the experience. Only feeling fear, shame and guilt.

She only knew what she knew from what her brother did. She could not fend off her brother. Even though many times she hid from him when he was on the prowl. In the closet or the hamper. Only to be found. Then abused.


  1. Grace, this sounds like a major breakthrough and moment of clarity to me. I'm sorry you went through that all those years ago. How awful for one so young. Much too young to really understand what was happening. Hugs to you my dear.

  2. I'm going to pray hard for you JBR. May Daddy touch your heart in those dark places.
    Deep hugs ♥


  4. Never cease to pray for you.

  5. Your courage in doing this painful work and sharing with us is inspiring. You are beautiful. May our Heavenly Father continue to heal all the pieces of a shattered little girl's heart/mind/soul.

  6. So certain that God is doing amazing works in you...painful in the moment but with a great reward...knowing that God will continue His work...praying that He will comfort in ways that only He can...

  7. What a revelation!! Boundaries were destroyed long before this happened, how were you to know? A child of 12 years old, that had been hurt in the past, would not be able to know to say stop.

    Standing in the gap and just covering you in prayer hon. You WILL know the true, pure love of Father because He is the maker of boundaries and He will replace and fix what was stolen from you.


  8. JBR I'm sure this wasn't easy for you to share. I know it's not easy for me to read what was done to you. So sorry. I cannot stress that more. My heart breaks for your little girls heart. May our heavenly father restore waht was taken away from you so young. No one but no one needed to experience what you went through by the hands of some slugs. God Bless.

  9. What you endured was terrible. Healing can be so painful. You are so strong and giving peace to your inner child. God bless you and big hugs to you.

  10. No, that was not your fault. It is so good you are in therapy. It is healing to realize none of it was your fault. God bless.

  11. Dear Grace, your life has brought about many unpleasant and unbearable experiences, leaving in their wake unpleasant and damaging memories. You are learning to cope by the power of letting go and getting help; believing and trusting in His power, strength, and love! Letting go means that you allow yourself to understand that any experience you have had, good or bad, is not your fault. I am thankful that you are sharing and trusting, and I will continue to keep you in my prayers sweet friend. :)

  12. Sad in seattleMarch 01, 2013

    Thank you for posting this. Sadly I can relate. I was ugly in middle school and was bullied by guys. I hated my body. Began to binge and cut in HS. Became depresed. Wondered where did my depression and eating disorder come from. I think the root for all these problems started at the age of 5 when I was molested by this 45yr old guy at a hotel. Made me do things like you say here. Then at the age of 10, the there was a guy my parents rented a house to. He molested me. I hate that I didn't stop them. I feel like a slut for letting them use me. I can't fully blame them. I screwed up too. But maybe it wasn't my fault like you say.

  13. My heart goes out to you, my friend. I am praying for your continued healing. You are so very brave~

  14. Grace, I walked into this knowing that I'd be able to relate to your story in some way, and yet I felt it in a completely different way than I expected.

    Your little girl did not deserve any of that - and how brave for you to tell your story and your truth, here. You are surrounded by support, care, and safety. You are digging deep into the pain, and will come out healed, in a way that you will not expect. The other side of all the brave and courageous work you're doing, is peace and healing. I am honored to follow you along in this journey.

    You are being held in thought and prayer, and within a lot of love.

  15. Oh Grace - I cried reading this. Both because of what you have gone through during your life and because you blamed yourself. Who wouldn't have trouble trusting after all this? I am so sorry that you had to go through this kind of pain, my friend, and I really wish I could give you a hug right now.
    Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    The world horrifies me sometimes, Grace. I pray Jesus will come back soon. These things should never, ever happen to a child - may Jesus hold you close, dear one, and heal these terrible wounds in you.

  16. dear one! my heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you.
    you're so very brave, and i so admire you.


  17. Wow, JBR. Thank you for sharing this. It must have been so difficult to write about, let alone name it "Molestation." I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't know why bad things happen to good people; I don't think anyone knows. But no one deserves to be abused in the way you were abused.

    I understand what you said about your brother destroying your boundaries. But what I really think he did was destroy (or harm) your self-worth and thoughts that you deserve to have your boundaries respected. But you do! You deserve to be respected physically, emotionally, and socially. I'm so proud of you for making this connection.

    Be well,

  18. Hey JBR...sending you tons of hugs. healing...one shaky step at a time.