I have had some time to digest last Thursday's therapy session. See previous post. Where the discussion was an incident of molestation that happened to me before I was even a teenager. I was twelve. An incident that I just fluffed away and ignored all these years. As I chose to. To not feel. Out of shame, guilt, blame, fear. You name it.
Last Thursday showed me how shut off my heart remains in the area of being sexually abuse. To have to be told what was done to me was awful, abusive and should never of happened, by my therapist, finally brought to light the severity of the ramifications the attack had on my little one later on in years.
That yeah, I was molested. Fondled, groped, petted, smothered, rubbed against, laughed at, used against my will by five boys who wanted to satisfy their desires. Then at a later time, on a number of occassions, witnessing one of the boys who abused me playing with himself in class. Making sure he was protected by the desk so the teacher would not see, but made sure I was in line of site, so he could get his full satisfaction, and at the same time making me feel disgusted with myself. I was too petrified to even say anything to the teacher or move my seat. I think there was not another seat to move to. Not sure. Probably I was just too scared. Then remembering him gawking at me as he got his rocks off.
I may appear a bit explict here, but I think I need to say and read what happened to me. As I stuffed it for so long and pretty much denied the trauma was something major. So, typing it out actually helps me.
My little one's heart must have hurt so much at the time of the abuse from the boys, even though she was older in age, the abuse set her back as early as 7, 8 or 9, when her brother was taking advantage of her then.
Now, that my heart is awakening once again, these painful memories are beginning to hurt. Oh yeah!
I am reassured that this is normal. It is a good thing to feel. And in order to heal I have to revisit the pain one last time. However long it takes.....