I have had some time to digest last Thursday's therapy session. See previous post. Where the discussion was an incident of molestation that happened to me before I was even a teenager. I was twelve. An incident that I just fluffed away and ignored all these years. As I chose to. To not feel. Out of shame, guilt, blame, fear. You name it.
Last Thursday showed me how shut off my heart remains in the area of being sexually abuse. To have to be told what was done to me was awful, abusive and should never of happened, by my therapist, finally brought to light the severity of the ramifications the attack had on my little one later on in years.
That yeah, I was molested. Fondled, groped, petted, smothered, rubbed against, laughed at, used against my will by five boys who wanted to satisfy their desires. Then at a later time, on a number of occassions, witnessing one of the boys who abused me playing with himself in class. Making sure he was protected by the desk so the teacher would not see, but made sure I was in line of site, so he could get his full satisfaction, and at the same time making me feel disgusted with myself. I was too petrified to even say anything to the teacher or move my seat. I think there was not another seat to move to. Not sure. Probably I was just too scared. Then remembering him gawking at me as he got his rocks off.
I may appear a bit explict here, but I think I need to say and read what happened to me. As I stuffed it for so long and pretty much denied the trauma was something major. So, typing it out actually helps me.
My little one's heart must have hurt so much at the time of the abuse from the boys, even though she was older in age, the abuse set her back as early as 7, 8 or 9, when her brother was taking advantage of her then.
Now, that my heart is awakening once again, these painful memories are beginning to hurt. Oh yeah!
But....
I am reassured that this is normal. It is a good thing to feel. And in order to heal I have to revisit the pain one last time. However long it takes.....
It sounds like those guys were/are pretty disgusting people. You did NOT deserve to be treated in that way. But it sounds like by going through what you're going through now you are beginning to heal. And I'll be here to support you while you do that.
ReplyDeleteBe well,
NOS
That's disgusting. It sucks how we shove things within us so deep that when they come up, they hurt! It's so very odd, but it's a relief at the same time. But hold on JBR, DADDY will get through with all of us. We will be perfected in Christ lacking in nothing.
ReplyDeleteHugging you through this series
Praying for you hon.
ReplyDelete(((Hugs)))
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So very sorry, love you.
ReplyDeleteWhat goes on in a person's mind...only God knows...But it is indeed the battle ground...that the enemies use...I face them at work yet I also saw some who got transformed by His grace. May you always remain strong in His mighty power.
ReplyDelete(((Grace)))
ReplyDeleteI think the best way for you to totally heal and move on from this incident is to accept it and forgive the person that did this thing to you. I know the forgiving part is not easy; you don’t have to push yourself about it. Just think that the person who did this to you is already suffering in jail. Slowly, you’ll totally get over the past and you can better live a whole new beautiful life. +Grayson Ford
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is the only way to cope. We do what we have to to survive. Healing is telling and feeling. You are doing a good job.
ReplyDeleteWords fail me, Grace. You have been in my thoughts a lot recently - please know I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, my friend. You are very courageous.
Hugs to you, Grace. You didn't deserve to be treated that way. No one does.
ReplyDelete