DON'T ANALYZE

I shared today in therapy part of a transcript from this weeks "Life Today" program. Chrysty Sturdivant, a sexual abuse survivor and author was the guest. The program was very enlightening. Although surface. You can say just so much on sexual abuse without being censored. Especially on a Christian program.

As my Heavenly Daddy continues to heal me, I am able to "feel" more and more to the emotions and feelings of the sexual abuse.

The more I talk about and see others talk about their abuse, the more I am finding out my heart is connecting. I think this is only possible because I am at the same time connecting more to my Heavenly Daddy. If this was not possible, I do not believe I would be able to handle the feelings I am feeling now with my memories. That is why I shut down in the first place. My little mind could not process. Let alone understand what was happening.

Chrysty stated an absolute truth:

"Sexual abuse survivors want to tell. It is locked up in here but they really want to tell--just tell someone. Their behavior show it--their behaviors mostly."

With that being said I tried telling my parents one evening when I was around eleven that the relative we just finished visiting, the boy (who was about 3 years older than I) who was the grandson of my father's uncle, was sexually groping and making advances towards me. I remember I was just developing physically and his hands were all over me. I did not know what was happening. The attention I was receiving from the boy was interesting I thought, but at the same time scary.

On our car ride home from the visit, I can vividly see myself in the back seat, along side my brother (who was abusing me at the same time) where I began stammering out what happened that evening. My parents just poo pooed whatever I told them happened to me. And the conversation was quickly over.

So, in my child's mind I believed what happened to me that night and the abuse from my brother I deserved and was normal.

Explains a whole lot of my behavior later on. How I had no boundaries with boys. Since I was so isolated and shut down at home, the majority of my sexual encounters took place in Junior High School.

My goodness I see now I was just a child then as well. Thirteen. Since I had no validation from my parents that sexual abuse was wrong, I let the boys have their way and I did not tell my story until some fifty years later in therapy.

What seems to be a common thread among survivors of sexual abuse is, we try and analyze "why." Somehow to justify the guilt and shame we bring on ourselves. Today was no exception.

One thing my therapist wanted me to walk away with today was to try and "not" analyze why I did not question what my brother did to me. Big JBR is trying to analyze why the little one did not do this or question that while she was being molested.

Realizing today that only the little one was present at the time of the abuse. There was no Big JBR at the time. Only the little one and her simple child's mind was present. The little one could not process the overwhelming abuse. So, to have Big JBR try an analyze the why's and how's of those memories would be futile. Big JBR cannot.

Instead when the memories come up, to continue to let God enter in and ask Him or wait on Him with whatever he wants to reveal in the memory.