"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


There is no doubt in my mind that being sexually abused has had an affect on me.

My view on sex and what true love is in a relationship has been skewed terribly because of being molested by my older brother on a number occasions when I was I believe between the age of 7-9 years old.

From my teenage years to adulthood when I would have that occasional date(s)and let mainly boys have their way with me and even a recent memory popping up of having a wonderful and patient steady boyfriend later in my teen years which lasted over a year, only to be marred by eventually getting too hot and heavy in the relationship and not being able to cope with it. That was just the beginning of me not being able to handle intimacy anymore. Something was drastically wrong! Something was wrong with me I thought and believed so many years! At the time never did I think what happened to me as a child had anything to do with the way I reacted and responded to affection.

I have had time to process this past weekend with my brother. Undoubtedly his visit brought out some stuff in me. I do not believe what surfaced was the core of pain from my abuse though. For now, just surface emotions which consisted of irritability and frustration. This time last year though, I did not even have that much.

I do not know, maybe I am asking too much right now. Maybe I am just not at that point yet or ever need to be?

Anyway, I found this short article below taken from the internet. Shares how being sexually abused as a child can brainwash you to believe that you are unlovable. The following sentence stands out for me:
" Children who have experienced the trauma of sexual abuse need not only a physical haven of safety, but also an emotional haven for the wounded heart." My heart has not felt safe in a long time and has been wounded no doubt and fear certainly did settle in. But, there is hope, which I am hanging on to and that God is in the restoring business. Like a piece of clay, He is in the process of carefully restructuring and remolding my heart back to what it was intended to be and clearing out the cobwebs of my skewed thoughts and memories:

"Childhood sexual abuse is an umbrella term that covers a variety of inappropriate actions with children for the sexual gratification of an older child or adult. Such exploitation is like a violent storm that leaves a chilling aftermath of fear and devastation.

A child victim of sexual abuse is any boy or girl under the age of eighteen who has suffered a single experience or many experiences of sexual abuse.

Childhood sexual abuse brainwashes its victims into believing that they are unlovable … or they will no longer be loved if “people find out.” What they perceive to be conditional love buries their secret all the more. Children who have experienced the trauma of sexual abuse need not only a physical haven of safety, but also an emotional haven for the wounded heart. One needs to know about God’s unconditional love. To run into the arms of Jesus to receive His emotional support and security."

.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!


  1. AnonymousJune 23, 2010

    JBR, I am so sorry you had to endure what you had to endure. It's certainly a horrible, horrible thing. But I think even though it still has an effect on you, you are recovering. Feeling irritable and frustrated is a step in the right direction because it is FEELING. You're doing great.

    Wishing you well,

  2. AnonymousJune 23, 2010

    JBR I pray that God will heal your wounded heart. JBR in time as you meditate on God and his word let God's word correct your feelings about sex.

    You know we live in a very sinful world. If we associate sex with shame and abuse, it's only because of what the sinful world has done to it. God says sex is good. He doesnt want us to see it as bad. I know your trying to connect and your right your not where you were last year. It may take longer to convince you or your emotions right now. But God is a great healer. God Bless.

  3. JBR,
    You have suffered a lot of trauma in your life and I pray the Lord continues to heal these wounds and bring peace to your heart. God bless you, my friend.

  4. May God renew and refresh you.

  5. As usual, your words speak to me. speak the truth....from your loving heart

  6. Sexual abuse that happen to me several years ago still has an effect on my life. I see God healing you and think you are an amazing woman. May God continue to heal you. You deserve a life of peace.

  7. There are so many innocents who have suffered sexual abuse. I pray God will bring them to a wholeness in their mind, body and spirit.


  8. Wow. I just went through a list I made with A about things that I feel and think that never matured from the 13 year old that was hurt. Everything you listed above (and more). I forget sometimes how similar my thoughts and feelings are to others. Makes me feel less alone. JBR, your blog is always the first one I come to because you seem to know exactly how I feel. Word for word. And most of the time you put it into words before I even realize they could be my own. Thank you!

  9. I am so glad you found that unconditional love of Christ. I read a great devotional this week of restored furniture that looked as good as the original piece. It was a great picture of God's work in us!


  10. Yeah it's tough. I don't feel comfortable around many men at all...male friends and relatives, even teenage boys. I'm scared of them all. You are not alone and God loves you heaps.


  11. AnonymousJune 24, 2010

    I can relate to this post greatly. For much of my early adult life, I felt guilt and shame for my own feelings of desiring intimacy. It interfered with my marriage, but I didn't know why I felt that way, until I began linking the past with my behavior. Since my husband was one to "fool around" in our marriage, I never felt he was a safe haven which left me very insecure, only adding more problems to my emotional state. Those issues were resolved within me with some soul searching and learning to accept my past and move forward with it. Wishing you peace and love... and keep moving forward JBR. Love and peace be with you.

  12. You've been through a lot.. such tough situations..
    May God's Grace always protect you!

  13. stuck-in-the-middleJune 24, 2010

    JBR your truth and sharing sets so many free. Hang in there.

  14. many of the kids i work with have been sexually abuse...most often by a family member...it is never easy...i pray that what was done to you does not keep you from understanding the one who can make you whole again.

  15. JBR, you are doing maybe better then you think; look how you can write about this, I believe this is a very important step in your recovery; as with any recovery there are ups and downs ... I pray so that you can find strength in the difficult moments when all of this feel so raw and hard on you! blessings dear one!!

  16. Keep on healing and discovering the stronger you within yourself.


  17. Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Gretchen Paules and I am the Administrative Director for a newly formed nonprofit called the Let Go...Let Peace Come In Foundation. Our mission at LGLPCI is to help heal and support adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse worldwide. We are actively seeking adult survivors who would be willing to post their childhood photo & caption, their story, or their creative expressions to our website www.letgoletpeacecomein.org. We also have a youtube video that can be viewed at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4PDC03Gl2k. By uniting survivors from around the globe we hope to provide a stronger and more powerful voice to those survivors who have not yet found the courage to speak out or have been cast aside with disbelief. Through increased awareness

    I am writing to you today to ask you to please consider posting to our website. It is through the support of courageous survivors like you that we will succeed in our effort to help one survivor at a time. If you have any questions please feel free to e-mail me directly at gretchen@letgoletpeacecomein.org. Together we can; together we should; together we NEED to stand up and be counted.

    Warmest Regards,
    Gretchen Paules
    Administrative Director
    Let Go...Let Peace Come In Foundation
    111 Presidential Blvd., Suite 212
    Bala Cynwyd, PA 19004

  18. What you and others have said, I didn't understand what was going on with me. I had no clue that my behaviour was linked to the past. You are doing good work. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  19. AnonymousJune 24, 2010

    In time

  20. you are so making a difference!!!! ☺

  21. It's not something that you'll ever be able to forget, nor even bury, but God's healing power is truly miraculous. You will be healed.