SEXUAL ABUSE

There is no doubt in my mind that being sexually abused has had an affect on me.

My view on sex and what true love is in a relationship has been skewed terribly because of being molested by my older brother on a number occasions when I was I believe between the age of 7-9 years old.

From my teenage years to adulthood when I would have that occasional date(s)and let mainly boys have their way with me and even a recent memory popping up of having a wonderful and patient steady boyfriend later in my teen years which lasted over a year, only to be marred by eventually getting too hot and heavy in the relationship and not being able to cope with it. That was just the beginning of me not being able to handle intimacy anymore. Something was drastically wrong! Something was wrong with me I thought and believed so many years! At the time never did I think what happened to me as a child had anything to do with the way I reacted and responded to affection.

I have had time to process this past weekend with my brother. Undoubtedly his visit brought out some stuff in me. I do not believe what surfaced was the core of pain from my abuse though. For now, just surface emotions which consisted of irritability and frustration. This time last year though, I did not even have that much.

I do not know, maybe I am asking too much right now. Maybe I am just not at that point yet or ever need to be?

Anyway, I found this short article below taken from the internet. Shares how being sexually abused as a child can brainwash you to believe that you are unlovable. The following sentence stands out for me: " Children who have experienced the trauma of sexual abuse need not only a physical haven of safety, but also an emotional haven for the wounded heart." My heart has not felt safe in a long time and has been wounded no doubt and fear certainly did settle in. But, there is hope, which I am hanging on to and that God is in the restoring business. Like a piece of clay, He is in the process of carefully restructuring and remolding my heart back to what it was intended to be and clearing out the cobwebs of my skewed thoughts and memories:

"Childhood sexual abuse is an umbrella term that covers a variety of inappropriate actions with children for the sexual gratification of an older child or adult. Such exploitation is like a violent storm that leaves a chilling aftermath of fear and devastation.

A child victim of sexual abuse is any boy or girl under the age of eighteen who has suffered a single experience or many experiences of sexual abuse.

Childhood sexual abuse brainwashes its victims into believing that they are unlovable … or they will no longer be loved if “people find out.” What they perceive to be conditional love buries their secret all the more. Children who have experienced the trauma of sexual abuse need not only a physical haven of safety, but also an emotional haven for the wounded heart. One needs to know about God’s unconditional love. To run into the arms of Jesus to receive His emotional support and security."



.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!