"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, April 07, 2011

NO FIGHT IN ME

Had t. today. I am really really really tired. At these times I feel even more exposed and vulnerable. Not that my t. would take advantage of me. As I feel safe with my t. But the times that I am really exhausted and have t. I notice a change in my behavior "big time." I am incline to let even more of my defensive's down. Not that I am not already open and transparent, but I become even more transparent (I am pretty deep to begin with) when I am too weak to even fight myself in trying to "protect myself emotionally."

When I am at my weakest, some times my spirit is more sensitive to my surroundings and I can pick up on things easier in the spirit realm. If that makes any sense.

More walls are let down when I do not have "fight" in me to protect me. Which all in all is probably not a bad thing for progress sake. Only thing is, I need to be able to accomplish this feat without having exhaustion contributing to my progress.

So when I am even more transparent because of exhaustion, more things are said and exposed. But seem harder to explain when I am tired. Making me frustrated. Not wanting to elaborate any further. Then I wonder if I even got my point across the way it sounded so wonderfully normal and rash inside my head. As once my thoughts leave my brain and go out of my mouth then "Houston We've Got A Problem."

When I left t. tonight and was able to process somewhat what went on, as what I was trying to explain to my t. on a particular point, the word "Deception" came into my mind. Which oddly enough and I cannot figure this part out, leads me to feeling insecure???? I do not know where deception plays a part in this process at this time. I do know I hate being deceived big time. So, I am sure in my past I have been terribly hurt by people who have deceived me and made fun of me.

I hope I made sense.

20 comments:

  1. Get some sleep. Therapy can be very exhausting. Hugs JBR.

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  2. Im the sameb way I can become veyr exhausted with life go into my session and just sit there blank MY therepasit would question whats wrong with me and sometimbes I don't have the words to tel lhim whats bothering me. did I say what I meant to say. Frustrating and maad I end up. We then have to talk about why I'm mad. Hang tight.

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  3. WOW AND A DOUBLE WOW THAT YOU CAN EVEN PUT YOUR THOUGHTS TOGETHER TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF THE WAY YOU DID JBR. I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND YOU. NOT TO SOUND NEGATIVE, BUT WHAT I'M UNDERSTANDING IS AN EXAMPLE WHEN AN ENEMY KNOWS THERE'RE DEFEATED THEY SURRENDER AS THERE FORCES ARE TO WEAK TO CONTINUE TO PROTECT THE FORT.

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  4. I think it's good that you trust your T enough to allow that vulnerable part of you to emerge. I think it is natural to feel insecure when you've been deceived...you worked hard in T, JBR, as noted by your exhaustion.
    I hope you rest well!

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  5. JBR getting tongue tied or loss of memory is common when trying to explain such a deep painful memory. Don't worry if the words don't come out all right. God manages to make sense out of our nonsenses. You're doing great. God Bless.

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  6. I understand how you feel, therapy can take a lot out of you.Hope you can get some rest. Take gentle care..

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  7. Therapy can really take a lot out of you. I know that after every session I have with D I want to curl up and go to sleep (partially because I expended all of my energy talking and crying, and partially because I'm depressed). But I wouldn't describe what you're going through as "no fight." On the contrary, you're fighting SO HARD. Letting your walls down does not mean that you are giving up-- it means that you are allowing yourself to feel (which, I'm told, is part of the POINT of therapy). What I'm trying to say is that I think you are doing great.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  8. rest well, therapy can beat you up pretty much...

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  9. JBR you're doing great. Read some of your previous post. Need to stop in more often.

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  10. I can imagine that you must be exhausted. May Our Lord give you the spiritual and physical rest that you need, my friend.

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  11. I understand how you feel. Deception is hard to process from a childhood filled with pain. To be deceived by parents and family that are suppose to shelter and love you is the biggest hurt of all.

    Being vunerable takes a lot of courage, my friend. It takes time to process all that you are learning right now. I am so very proud of you for facing your fears.

    Therapy is sort of give and take. I don't always feel like sharing. In fact, my therapist, said when I am ready we will go there. I know it's there but I only drop brief little statements about that pain. Sometimes I am ready and sometimes I am not ready to handle the pain.

    God knows all you have been through and is crazy about you. He loves you for who you are.

    Soft hugs my friend.
    Peace and love to you.
    Pam

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  12. Have you ever heard of emotional therapy? The therapy goes at the client’s pace and the number of sessions will vary according to the client’s needs. Often the problem is that a person doesn’t know what the problem is. Sometimes they do know what the problem is but don’t know what to do about it. They may feel that they are repeating past mistakes and following unhelpful patterns of behaviour. They may want to make changes within their life, but don’t know how to, or what is stopping them.
    A key aspect of emotional therapy is the range of techniques used by the therapist to assist the client to both recognise and release painful feelings in an appropriate manner, by working with the emotions rather than the mind. Is that you?

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  13. I love the way you describe stuff. You'll probably be glad you revealed so much later on. It's just scary to open up and be vulnerable.

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  14. Thanks for being real! I could really relate to this. Therapy often leaves me exhausted as well. Last week after therapy, I wanted so much to curl up on the couch with my favorite afghan and a stuffed animal.

    But I thought my teenage boys might be a little disturbed to see their mother on the couch with a blankie and a stuffie...LOL. They know I go to therapy, but still...

    So I opted for just the afghan. :)

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  15. When we start trusting ourselves we start living! T is very exhausting and you are a go-getter on it. Please give yourself a break. Surely you were deceived like most of us. Deceived of childhood, innocence, discipline and love. Be kind and loving to this Little JBR. BTW, maybe my post from today might be of support to you. Love and hugs, Paula

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  16. Just checking back on you. Hope all is OK.

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  17. Suszanne LightenApril 10, 2011

    Abuse search brought me to your blog. I'm a victim of parent beatings as a child. Read your profile and some of your posts. I am amazed and sorry for what was done to you. I want to get to the place as a survivor like you. Suz

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  18. It's very brave what you are doing at your site here. The truth will free you, indeed. I know there are many ups and downs to getting better. Wishing you well tonight :)

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  19. Hey JBR haven't heard from you in a few days. I know you had it kind of rough in therapy the other day. I'm praying you are resting and gaining some much needed strength. Praying for you. God Bless.

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  20. Praying GOD heals your heart and restores you completely binding up the enemy and thwarting his plans.

    Much love, hugs, and prayers,
    andrea

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