HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy New Year everyone!

STILL HERE

Some of you may experience, depending on your browser, broke up images on my page. I apologize for that. I will work on this.

Blessings everyone.....

HOLDING ON

Just passing through....

Continuing to hold on to Daddy God! He is all I have!

NOT MY FAULT!

It Was Not My Fault what was done to me as a child.

HEALING OF MY LITTLE GIRL

I feel led to share this post again from 2012.

We all have an inner child. I was not aware of that until I went through counseling. I just thought the way I behaved was because I was very immature and scared. Not realizing I was deeply hurt, frightened, angry, shameful... just to name a few.

As I began working on my issues and seeing how I react and think it made sense that another part of me (although one in all) was influencing me. A five year old inside me dictating my decisions most my life. Can you imagine? I can now.

I believe I had two major trauma's in my life as a child. Sexually abused and the divorce of my parents. Basically both going on at the same time. Being sexually abused as a child (9 years old), I believe began a little before I even noticed that my parents were having difficulty in their marriage. Not understanding at all what both brought to me.

When I was sexually abused, I did not tell anyone out of fear and confusion. Many of us grew up in dysfunctional homes with dysfunctional parents. Being a victim of incest, I was even more afraid of telling a parent out of fear that they might blame me. I really do not know if I could even of expressed myself. I do not even know if I thought what my brother was doing and having me do to him was even wrong. I just know I did not like what was happening and was petrified.

At the same time, I was not receiving the attention and nurturing properly from my parents. My father not offering and my mum smothering. Which brought on feelings of unworthiness as well.

Even so, I was able to adapt and survive. And the older I became, the clever I was in surviving. Mainly stuffing my pain, wearing different masks and zoning out into la-la-land. My heart was cut off.

Trust went out the window when it came to relationships. Whether intimate or platonic. I could not function in either. Fear would take over and panic would set in. I did not know how to express something I never had! I was a mess.

When my parents were having difficulty with their marriage and the constant fighting in front of us children, that just added more pain and guilt. I questioned, "Was it my fault that my parents could not get along?" Then having my father move out of our house. Then having my mum announce a few months later that she remarried and "I" was to move with her 'as soon as possible' to another state and live with a man that I had never met and was supposed to love. Love? What is that?

Forgiveness plays an intricate part to the healing of my little girl. Many years I blamed myself for the way I behaved, responded and acted out. Only to find out that I did all this only to survive.

When my parents divorced and I was forced to move away from my hometown, friends, school, family I found myself in a strange environment. That was the pivotal point where I emotionally shut down at eleven. Spending literally years isolated in my bedroom. Only to emerge to eat, go to the bathroom, go to school, forced to go shopping with my mum, and eventually work.

I had no friends. I did not know how to! Television and music were my friends. In school I was a poor student. Made fun of. Picked on. Laughed at. So when I lived isolated in my bedroom and came out, I would take out my anger by not talking and being disrespectful to my step-father. Who was a nice man. But, I was using him to get at my mum for divorcing my father. My mum would slap my face when I talked back to her. She was not happy in this new marriage as she took more to drinking daily. Making me even angrier when I would come home from school to find her in a stupor. Later admitting to me that she felt guilty divorcing my dad and splitting up the family.

Proper nurturing was lacking for me while growing up. I did not receive that from my parents. Got too many crossed wires to what love was and was not. What was safe and what was not. Disappointing and critical looks.

My little girl is just now beginning to heal. Knowing that there is a grander offer with no strings attached kind of love that never fails and that lasts forever!

I have come a long way. I did not get here over night. Took a few years and still I have a ways to go. But, I am here! Further than I was last year. And the year before that. The weight of guilt and shame are slowly coming off my heart. Being replaced little by little with my Heavenly Daddy's love.

EFFECT ON MY PRESENT

It took me a very long time to stop denying that what had happened to me in my past had an affect on my present. How much irrational fear confuses and infuses into irrational shame and guilt. Sometimes hard for me to decypher unless I have someone to point it out to me. Then I process.....

NO EXPECTATION

The following is so profound to me these days. I see this so clearly in my life even today. I am learning literally now to walk away. You cannot change others, but you can change yourself. Thank you Jesus.

Happy Easter to you all.....

“One of the greatest things I learned in therapy was that I can’t expect people to react the way I want them too” Author Unknown

One of the greatest things I learned in therapy was that when people treated me like I was nothing and communicated that by their responses to me and treatment OF me, “One of the greatest things I learned in therapy was that I can’t expect people to react the way I want them too” Author Unknown ~ One of the greatest things I learned in therapy was that when people treated me like I was nothing and communicated that by their responses to me and treatment OF me, I didn’t have to stick around and take it. Darlene Ouimet Darlene Ouimet

I AM NOT STUPID

“…I got stronger. I grew in my understanding of the misuse of power and control. My self-esteem began to recover. I did not deserve that treatment from anyone. I am not stupid and I don’t have to allow people to treat me or to speak to me like I am stupid. The way they regarded me was about them, not about me. One of my fears was that they wouldn’t like me if I stood up to them but by their actions and regard for me, they already didn’t like me enough to respect me”. Darlene Ouimet

DON'T RUN

I tried running for years. I changed like a camelion and became what others wanted me to be in order to feel accepted. I changed playgrounds and places, but always ended up worse off than when I began running in the first place. I hid. I reverted. I died inside.

It was not until God stopped me right where I was at. When I became real. With no where to turn, that I finally chose to face the problems head on that I carried myself for sooooo many years! The hurt, the shame, the abuse, the rejection, the neglect, the abandonment, the painful memories.

Although it was one of the most painful and fearful times of my life, I can honestly say that I am more grateful for that moment than I can express in words.

Do not run from your problems, because the core of the problems lays within you and no matter how far away you go, YOU ARE STILL THERE, therefore the problem still exists.

THE GIRL IN THE BOX

"We go back … and back … and back … through the layers of fear, shame, rage, hurt, and negative incantations until we discover the exuberant, unencumbered, delightful, and lovable child that was, and still is, in us...." - Beyond Codependency

When I saw this picture to use for this post of the little girl in the box having a good time, I right away flashed back to a big box that I did not play in but found comfort where I would even sleep in until I wore the box out when I was very sick as a child.

I recall my parents had to take me to the doctor almost on a weekly basis because I was constantly getting very ill and complaining about pain. I remember getting shots on a regular basis and then finally catching on at 5 or 6 years of age that going to the doctors brought pain. Apparently I then began complaining of having a stiff neck. Which then resulted at the young age of six having a spinal tap!!!

To this day, that spinal tap is so vivid in my memory and body. It was a very traumatic time for me. I remember at the hospital being wrapped up and being bound feet, arms and body in heavy duty white tape to hold me still. If any of you know about spinal taps, you cannot be put out or let alone given any pain meds. Because the doctors have to have you awake in order to make sure when they stick that long needed at the base of your spine to retrieve the fluid that you are absolutely still and that they did not miss the spine. Otherwise one wrong move and you are paralyzed. So, glad I did not know that as a child. BUT IT WAS VERY PAINFUL! To this day I still remember screaming my head off and eventually had no more voice as I wore myself out and my throat. In the end, I did not have meningitis. Just had a stiff neck.

So getting back to the insert above, the real me, the real you is under all our pain. I am, and you are the happy little girl in the box of play.

DETACHMENT

I started weekly attending a support group on 'Conquering Codependency.'

I still find myself setting boundaries with my mum. As she still manages to get me feeling false guilt which quickly turns into ANGER!

A "controlling" incident which led to MAJOR false guilt on my part happened yesterday with my mum and I. Not A Good Scene. I cannot believe, but then again I can, since I have not dealt with this part of my journey, the amount of anger and resentment I hold towards her. I do not even recognize the person of rage I become when I become so angry! But it is me. A hurt me..... going off!!

But yesterdays scene I believe FINALLY opened my eyes to my deep pain of resentment when I am triggered. I WANT to forgive her. I WANT to be set free. She is not going to change to my liking. Forgive then I can be detached freely! Okay Daddy God You have to go with me on this one. I do NOT know how to do this on my own!!! I do not know how to "love" and let alone "forgive." I only know how to react!! Help me to act NOT react in Your love.

I am seeing her this morning. For another reason, but somehow I am sure for His reason.

This devotional on Detachment may help some of us who struggle with letting go or who are in the process of a 12-step program:

Detachment
Melody Beattie

The concept of letting go can be confusing to many of us. When are we doing too much or trying too hard to control people and outcomes? When are we doing too little? When is what we’re doing an appropriate part of taking care of ourselves? What is our responsibility, and what isn’t?

These issues can challenge us whether we’ve been in recov­ery ten days or ten years. Sometimes, we may let go so much that we neglect responsibility to ourselves or others. Other times, we may cross the line from taking care of ourselves to controlling others and outcomes.

There is no rule book. But we don’t have to make ourselves crazy; we don’t have to be so afraid. We don’t have to do recovery perfectly. If it feels like we need to do a particular action, we can do it. If no action feels timely or inspired, don’t act on it.

Having and setting healthy limits – healthy boundaries – isn’t a tidy process. We can give ourselves permission to experiment, to make mistakes, to learn, to grow;

We can talk to people, ask questions, and question our­selves. If there’s something we need to do or learn, it will become apparent. Lessons don’t go away. If we’re not taking care of ourselves enough, we’ll see that. If we are being too controlling, we’ll grow to understand that too.

Things will work out. The way will become clear.

Today, I will take actions that appear appropriate. I will let go of the rest. I will strive for the balance between self-responsibility, responsibility to others, and letting go.

NOTHING

A post about nothing.

FACEBOOK

With all these new apps these day, Pintrest (or whatever it is called), Twitter, Instagram, Yada Yada (that is my making up name), does anyone do FACEBOOK any more?

Just saying..... hee hee.

WEEEE!

"Under proper conditions, one hundred percent of survivors can heal. Survivors are like seedlings. With proper conditions—light, air, warmth, food, and water—plants grow. Survivors are the same way. When their desire to heal is met with information, skilled support, and a safe environment, they begin to grow in ways they never dreamed possible.” - Allies in Healing by Laura Davis

NO MORE LIES

Happy New Year everyone. I am trusting and believing for all of you that this will be the best year for you and the lies that were told you in the past will soon be healed. No More Lies!!

Blessings and hugs.....

“The inability to get something out of your head is a signal that shouts, “Don’t forget to deal with this!” As long as you experience fear or pain with a memory or flashback, there is a lie attached that needs to be confronted. In each healing step, there is a truth to be gathered and a lie to discard.” - Christina Enevoldsen

CHRISTMAS BLESSINGS

Chirstmas Blessings to you all! Much hugs...... - Grace -

HELLO

Miss you guys. Hope everyone is doing ok.

ENDING THE BLOG JOURNEY

Dear ones I know I have been down this road before, but I really feel in my heart that the time has come to end my "blog journey." To think five years of what a lot of you have gone through with me in my most painful times of healing is written here. I just feel a new chapter is opening up.

I will put this out again to those who care to, I do have a personal Facebook page, and if any of you are interested in continuing along my journey in a new and different phase, please either email me at justbereal77@aol.com or if you feel comfortable enough to share your Facebook page below in the comment section.

You all have been Super Special to me! I cannot express my gratitude for each and every one of you over the years. Your encouragement and prayers to me and what you even wrote and shared on your own blogs. You all ministered to me in your own special way.

I will miss you!!

But, this Pioneer will now move on.....

PRAYER FOR DIRECTION

Ever since June when I accepted the job that I once left seven years ago for reasons that I was stressed out and very unhappy with the people I worked with.

I am at a place once again that I am really struggling. I took the job out of desperation. Grant it God provided this job right at the right time. My unemployment was just running out. I was unemployed for close to two years. And really blindsighted with why I left the comopany in the first place. Out of blue they called me up seeing if I wanted my old job back because the person that replaced me decided to retire. Only to find out she had enough. The stress and demand was too much for her. She got physically sick and emotionally drained. That is why I more or less left after a year. The stress and demand was too much. The people are not the greatest either.

In the seven years of my absence, I have found out in six months since I have returned the added demands on my position. And it is NOT even the height of the busy season for me. The company plans on adding another boss in the next few weeks. Which will only increase more my responsibility. There are days I cannot even think straight. As I am pulled constantly off of this project to do that project to trouble shoot something I have no clue about, etc. Making my position even more demanding.

Okay enough of the ground work and I really get disgusted even talking or thinking about the place.

I ask any who will faithfully pray for me daily for direction. I have been praying basically the following prayer below. I share as a guideline. But, you can pray however you want. God hears a fervent heart.

I would like faithful prayer warriors. I am tired, extremely exhaused and serious for God's leading. I will share that I am NOT fulfilling my destinty that He had planned for me from day one. I feel the enemy is really prevelant in fighting me on my future.

As you will see in the prayer I do not always have to depend on a paycheck to be blessed by the Lord. That is scary. But, that is faith and trust! As my flesh fears how can I eat and pay my bills without a pay check Daddy???

Anyway I appreciate your prayers. And if any of you have insight or if the Lord has shared some thing with you about "my situation," please feel free to share. Sharing is good. I will pray about anything that is shared.

Also, one last thing. My mum is really not doing well. Spoke with her tonight. Did not sound good. Some days she is better. So this concerns me as well. That may be another directiont he Lord may take me down in the days ahead. To quit and take care of my mum. I do not know. Anyway....thank you.

Our Heavenly Father is very interested in you and desires the very best for you. It is His will that you prosper and be in health as your soul prospers (III John 1). Be aware that God is not limited to meet your need or bless you through a paycheck, although He can certainly use a paycheck to do so. Always remember that God is your source and you are His very own child.

Keep the Word first place in your life. Do what God told Joshua in Joshua 1:8: “This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.”

We join our faith with yours as you pray this prayer:

“Father, in Jesus’ Name, I seek Your wisdom and trust You to direct me in seeking the job that is best for me. I will walk in mercy and truth and lean not unto my own understanding. Thank You for opening wide a door which no man can shut and for giving me favor.

“It is my desire, Father, to be debt-free and owe no man anything except to love him, according to Your Word. I am willing to work with my own hands, so that I lack nothing. I praise You that it is Your will that I am self-sufficient financially and have an abundance to meet all of my needs, with enough left over to give generously to others.

“I will not fret or have anxiety about anything, Father, for Your peace mounts guard over my heart and mind. Because You are my source, I have confidence, comfort and encouragement in Your provision. I thank You, Father, for supplying my need of employment according to Your riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”

BELIEF SYSTEM

"The whole key for me was uncovering and discovering how my belief system about myself and the world, had formed. As I replaced the lies with the truth, the coping methods fell away; because I didn’t need them anymore." Darlene Ouimet

The above statement is so true. Most my life I thought I was weird. An outcast. Stupid. Because I was told and treated that way.

Who I was was Not validated at home. My father was not there for me emotionally most of the time.

I was taken advantage of verbally, physically and sexually. Not only by my relatives, but at school. I accepted what others told me to my face and behind my back. I saw my peers giggle and point fingers at me. Crude remarks were made about my intelligence and looks. I would even recall calling myself stupid among friends. In order to be accepted. Only to realize later they were laughing at me and not with me. School was a lost cause because of my belief system and shutting down after my parents divorce. Only by the Grace of God did I graduate on time. Almost did not.

Five years ago, I had the presence of mind (divine intervention of the Holy Spirit) to seek help. I, in my present misery of emotional pain knew at least that time was short. I needed professional help.

So I sought out a Christian counselor. The combination of my Heavenly Daddy and the guidance of a obedient caring counselor/servant, I began my journey to healing.

Finding out my old belief system about myself played a big part to my pain. And then also to my healing.

I am not totally there yet. But, I am not where I once was! Amen.