MUM HUNG UP ON ME!

Tonight's phone call to my mum consisted of "why I do not call my brother anymore?" And,

"Why I am not coming to her condo's Labor Day picnic on Sunday?"

After telling her that I would not be interested in coming to her condo picnic, she exclaimed, "I figured as much and thought to myself why bother asking you because you don't care anyway." Guilt trip #1.

Then when she asked why I do not call my brother anymore and when was the last time I spoke with him? I replied "why does that bother you so much?" Her response was, like usual, "that he is my only blood relative left besides her and I should keep in contact with him." Then she got miffed at me when I was not taking what she said seriously especially when I replied back, "I am not going to feel guilty about not coming to your picnic and not calling my brother." Guilt #2

She then said, "If I can't tell you things because I'm your mother, who are you then going to listen to? If that's the case we have nothing to talk about." SHE hung up on me this time. Wo- Now, she is trying the reverse psychology to see if she can get a rise out of me. Guilt + Rejection #3

By her last statement showed that she thinks "I should listen to her only, no one else matters. Not me. Not anyone else's opinions."

For those of you who do not know what is going on with my mum and I you can see a recap HERE

I knew this would be coming.... Will process....

RISK TAKING

I have noticed I have become more confident and direct with people. The expression on some people's faces of astonishment when I speak to them is amazing now. Thank You Lord!

Even though little JBR still tends to fear the possibility of being wrong, criticized, judged and even rejected (ouch), risk taking is part of recovery.

Some days will be much easier than others. Some days the JBR's will step out boldly and some days the JBR's will fall flat on their faces. But, they will be there for one another when that does happen.

Big JBR is learning to comfort and pick the little one up and dust her off and not become as angry despite the self-blaming issues still.

Risk taking is a challenge. For me personally, I see it to be beneficial. I need to break out of some strongholds that captivated me for years because of some deep fears. God is taking me one step at a time. I guess you could say tackling the easy ones first. That is if there is an easy one. I am not going to rush Him. I know what also lies ahead for me and Him in tackling one of my biggest fears from being sexually abused. But that I feel is down the line a bit.

All part of risk taking.

HEALING

Let this song minister to your pain.

I CAME DOWN FROM THE RAFTERS

As the title alludes to, I came down from the balcony at church today and actually sat among the living. For at least part of the service that is.

Part of the reason I do not hang among the living, besides having people issues, is that since I have been more connected to the Spirit these days, it is hard to contain myself when He comes upon me.

Not everyone believes like I do at my church. I am a bit more lively you could say! And I do want to respect others. As well as the pastor. So it was hard to contain myself today downstairs. Upstairs there is usually no one else, or just another person that sits away. But it is usually my prayer partner and I for the most part, who believes like I do. We can let loose in the Spirit upstairs!

We have one service now. There are over 1000 people at this one service. I have no idea what compelled me to agree to sit downstairs. Upfront even!!!! I can only say it was the Holy Spirit prompting me. As scared as little JBR was, she managed among the crowd.

PRIDE IN THE WAY

I never looked at pride as getting in my way of recovery. Yesterday, after reading an article that stated that our pride, "false pride" can often get in the way of our recovery made me think.

Hmmmm.......yes, pride has gotten in my way of recovery. Before I began my journey, close to two years now, I was hesitant to go back into t. I figured I had done my time in t. before. I do not need anymore help. If anything, I figured I could fix whatever I was dealing with myself. So I wasted more time. Making more excuses why I should not seek professional help and finding myself spiraling deeper and deeper into depression. Finally coming to my senses and becoming real I surrendered.

I see it as the "blind pride." When we think we can go it alone on our journey without any help. We turn a blind eye and a deaf ear.

Many of us may start out saying "we can kick our addictions or solve our hurts by ourselves." Claiming, "I do not need any outside intervention, let a lone a Higher Power to help me along." That kind of pride only comes before a fall.

Some of us have to hit rock bottom before we realize we cannot do this on our own. This is where we begin to examine our true motives if we are serious in getting help. We can then begin to rebuild healthier lives. Rely on God. Seek good Godly counsel.

But we must constantly be on guard. As pride will try and rear its ugly head once again.

Pride is something we will always have to fight against. But, never alone. God is always with us. We just need to call upon Him.

Enjoy your Sonday!

DON'T IGNORE ME!

In today's society to even get someone to "do their job" i.e. wait on you at a store is even difficult. And then to even have them be half way nice or even acknowledge you as a human being would even be a big plus. Your mind screams "Don't Ignore Me!" I know mine does, BIG TIME!

There are so many hurting people in the world. Many people are just NOT happy.

A lot of us need the reassurance that we matter. We have a purpose. Many times we may not understand why we are put in situations that may feel uncomfortable for us. It may be for our own benefit or for someone else's that we are there at that moment. We do not know what we may offer someone. May be that particular day that other person is in desperate need of an encouraging word. A smile. A "hello." Who knows? Obey your heart's leading....

"To have one's individuality completely ignored is like being pushed quite out of life. Like being blown out as one blows out a light." —Evelyn Scott

We need to know that we matter in this life. We need evidence that others are aware of our presence. And thus, we can be certain that others need the same attention from us. When we give it, we get it. So the giving of attention to another searching soul meets our own need for attention as well.

Respectful recognition of anothers presence blesses her, God, and ourselves. And we help one another grow, in important ways, each time we pay the compliment of acknowledgment.

We're not sure, on occasion, just what we have to offer our friends, families, co-workers. Why we are in certain circumstances may have us baffled, but it's quite probable that the people we associate with regularly need something we can give them; the reverse is just as likely. So we can begin with close attention to people in our path. It takes careful listening and close observation to sense the message another soul may be sending to our own.

I will be conscious of the people around me. I shall acknowledge them and be thankful for all they are offering me.

(Hazelden Foundation)

CAN'T RECAPTURE WHAT'S NO MORE

Living in the present for some of us can be difficult. Especially when our eyes have been opened to what we lost in the past and what we should or could have been. "We can't recapture what is no more."

I know this has been a struggle for me at times.

Sure we can become angry about it. I HAVE! Because a lot of our childhood was stolen from us due to abuse, neglect etc. Regret of the things we missed out on life.

I personally went into what I call "isolation" during my teenage years into my mid-twenties. Closed myself off. Lost touch of reality at times to the point that I did not know how to relate to even normal every day interaction with another human being. I was stuck where my trauma left me. My life was driven by fear! Missed out on a lot of opportunities growing up.

With that being said..... we cannot stay there anymore. We must move on. I know, I know, easier said than done. Yes, I do know that. And yes I also know that being stuck in the past regretting, being bitter is not helping either. I am not making light of any of our situations. Or poo-pooing what many of us went through. That is not my intention.

I just know with God's help especially, that He wants us to move on. He has better plans for us. He can heal those deep painful hurts if we are open to Him. Even though I do not know why God let what happened to most of us, I still trust Him. He does see the BIG picture.

Not going to lie. If you are serious, there is emotional pain to work through. But, once you are through that, "wow" is all I can say. And that is what I am doing each day I become stronger. There is a new life awaiting me. Awaiting you!

I pray as I continue to heal through my own emotional pain of the past, that maybe someone else who may be reading this blog for the first time or you have been reading for a long time, join me with your "own" healing path to freedom.

POSTS WHAT THEY TELL ABOUT US

Out of curiosity, tonight I got the urge to look back back over some of my posts. Mind you I have been blogging about a year and a half. I am soon reaching my "700th" post in a few. Gosh, how many does that average out to in a day???? Never mind. I am never one to figure these things out.

Anyway, so I am looking through my archives seeing these posts and the titles I gave them. Noticing on many of my posts having NOOOOOOO clue at all what they are about, until I click on them and read them again to jog my memory. Amazing what I wrote in the moment. Some posts I do not even recall even typing. But, there I have it as proof. Amazing what a year or so can do and how much one can change. Even the style of my writing and emotions are different now. Wow.

PRAYER FOR ALL

I know some of us are are struggling with physical and emotional health. I share this prayer for all who are in need:

"Lord Jesus, You know how I feel today, my secret fears and pains. I pray for healing in whatever way You know will help me. I trust in Your power. You proclaimed God's reign by curing the sick, comforting and strengthening those who were sad, and giving new freedom to all who accepted You. Guide also, those who help in Your healing work: doctors, nurses, Godly ministers, friends and counselors, and all who extend Your care. Together we do the work of Your Father. We pray in Your Spirit, Lord Jesus. Amen."

(Internet)

Lord I thank You personally today.

Hallelujah!!!

As today I am able to feel the presence of Your Holy Spirit that I have not felt in the past few days. Oh, such a refreshing reunion this morning. Thank You for this mini revival with You in my apartment. You know how much I have been hurting!!

Continue to minister to my exhausted body and mind. Help me to grow in "Your" love and feel Your "love."

Thank You for the outpouring of Your Fire and the deep cleansing that continues in my heart. The tears I shed now are becoming more real to Your truth.

***UPDATE ON HANG UP WITH MUM***

Thank you all for such an encouraging response to my previous post.

Warms my heart.

Little JBR was shaking in her boots for a couple of days after the initial hang up.

But, Big JBR did not scold Little JBR like mummie did. Big JBR talked to the little one saying all was okay. Reassuring what happened was not her fault. The guilt she was feeling is false and it is not hers to claim.

Mum was cool with me when I spoke with her Monday night after the initial hangup that morning. Yesterday she was better as today.

But, I am afraid this is not over yet. There will be yet another test. Possibly as soon as this weekend again when church rolls around.

Anyway...,.

Despite what has been happening with me and my mum, I have been exhausted these past few days. Both physically and emotionally. Did not do much of anything. Have not felt like it. Did not really blog.

I HUNG UP ON MY MUM THIS MORNING

As I stated in a post Stuck to My Guns a week ago that my church was going to one service and my mother was trying every which way in trying to get me to sit with her or at least come by. I told her a week ago that I was not going to do that and I was not making any promises.

OMG!!

When I spoke with her this morning it was like the world had ended! She had nothing but wrath for me. She shot all her guilty arrows into me!

She blamed me for her sleepless night.

She blamed me for her not feeling well this morning.

She blamed me because "SHE" promised the people that sit with her at church that I would be around.

And she was so embarrassed that I did not come. "She could have ate her words" as she said. She said, "how could I do this to her?" What kind of daughter am I. She demanded where I was sitting in church and with who. (I was getting angry by this time but kept my cool)

Mind you this is first thing in the morning. Crap!! I have to get ready for work and function after being mowed down verbally.

She said this upset her yesterday. All about her. Never thinking how she upsets me. But, I feel I made some ground. It is not the end though.

She is hoping that I would break down, feel guilty like in the past and call her to apologize. Well, I have not done that the other few times we had it out. So she should be used to it. It is not going to happen here. Because I really have nothing to apologize for.

I told her that she was NOT going to make me feel guilty. I told her last week not to make promises to anyone that I would be there. She said that I have no consideration. She asked me, "don't I feel guilty for what I did?" "Shame on me." How dare I! How could I do this to my mother? All I said fell on deaf ears. She did not want to hear it.

I told her then if the conversation is going to continue like this, I am going to hang up. She went on and on. I then said "mum goodbye have a good day and I love you" and hung up.

Ohhhhh I did not want to do that. But, I knew I had to!

I knew I would come against some resistance, but not this bad! I can just imagine what I went through growing up. No wonder I crumbled and died inside.

Now some of you may disagree with how I handled this and that is okay.

After I hung up I prayed to God for Him to comfort her heart, heal her own pain, etc.

I am upset. Will be honest. I do feel guilt. Pretty sure it is the wrong kind though. It is amazing how the enemy then floods your thoughts with guilt trips. Bringing to mind all the things "mummie did for you." Oh I hate this!!!!

Will have to process through. Hated doing this. But, I know this was for not only my good but hers. Although I do not think she realizes this. But I will be a stronger person in the end.

Again for those who are new to my blog, my mother and I have been severely enmeshed from my birth. My mum guilt-manipulated me my life. She has controlled my life more or less and now that I am breaking away and being healed in this area, she is angry and panicking.

WALKING THROUGH THE PAIN

Who would of thought?

God certainly did?

Others certainly did?

And I am just NOW accepting.

Accepting what you say?

Accepting that my struggles, failures, past abuse, hurts, losses etc. can be beneficial to another hurting soul who may be experiencing the same pain I have.

I can now say I can relate. I have been there. I have and am still walking through the pain. But at the same time I can be a blessing to someone else in understanding of working through their own process.

COMING SOON TO A HEART NEAR YOU

God has been healing my heart more and more.

A couple of weeks ago I came to the realization that I am a spirit that God created. My body houses my spirit here on earth. My spirit will go on to Heaven after I die.

Now, in these last few days I have had on my mind the realization that "I am only here briefly."

Again, I knew this as head knowledge. But, now I feel it. It has become real to me.

He has only created me for just a time here on this earth. That statement may be deep for now.

But I know without a doubt there is even one more step deeper. That step will be eventually "feeling His love." I am convinced I am on the outskirts of this experience.

I can see the headline now....

Coming Soon to a Heart Near You

LOVE

METHOD OF SURVIVAL

For many of us we had a method of survival while growing up in a broken, abusive, neglected home. Many of us were verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused and battered. We put our guard up. We closed down. Closed off. Built up walls to protect ourselves. We lost ourselves because of the abuse.

But for those of us who are on our journey to freedom, we are finding out that we are allowed to express who we are. Who we were intended to be by God. We are stepping out. Taking chances despite the fears of being hurt or rejected. We are letting ourselves become human again. Hallelujah!

The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere. —Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Many of us grew up in situations that required us to be constantly on our guard. We became so keenly attuned to the people around us and how to please them or avoid their anger that we lost contact with our inner messages. Rather than developing skills for drawing upon our inner resources, we developed skills for looking outward and reacting to whatever confronted us. This method of survival may have been necessary in the past while we were under stress, but it doesn't allow us any rest or the possibility of simply following what we know and feel is right.

We are learning to know what we think and feel and to express it, even if it isn't always what others want to hear. We can be spontaneous now because we have room for mistakes in our lives. Our relationships are more reliable, and we have more energy from sincerity than from always striving to make a good appearance.

Today, it is more important for me to be sincere than to be on my guard.

Hazelden Foundation.

VALUING THIS MOMENT

Slowly but surely I am accepting that right where I am at this moment is right where I should be.

I did just that yesterday. When for really the first time I let go and let what was happening to me, which was anger and rage spew out in front of someone I knew and apparently trusted more than I thought. I did not wait to vent by myself at another time. No. The time was right then and there. Designed by God.

I was at the right place with the right person for the right situation to develop.

This goes for all of us. As we continue our recovery. We are right where we should be. Whether in the midst of working through painful emotional surgery to breaking free finally from a strong bondage that encapsulated us for so many years. We are right where we should be. AMEN!

Detachment involves present moment living - living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day. -Codependent No More

This moment, we are right where we need to be, right where we are meant to be.

How often we waste our time and energy wishing we were someone else, were doing something else, or were someplace else. We may wish our present circumstances were different.

We needlessly confuse ourselves and divert our energy by thinking that our present moment is a mistake. But we are right where we need to be for now. Our feelings, thoughts, circumstances, challenges, and tasks - all of it is on schedule.

We spoil the beauty of the present moment by wishing for something else.

Come back home to yourself. Come back home to the present moment. We will not change things by escaping or leaving the moment. We will change things by surrendering to and accepting the moment.

Some moments are easier to accept than others.

To trust the process, to trust all of it, without hanging on to the past or peering too far into the future, requires a great deal of faith. Surrender to the moment. If you're feeling angry, get mad. If you're setting a boundary, dive into that. If you're grieving, grieve. Get into it. Step where instinct leads. If you're waiting, wait. If you have a task, throw yourself into the work. Get into the moment; the moment is right.

We are where we are, and it is okay. It is right where we're meant to be to get where we're going tomorrow. And that place will be good.

It has been planned in love for us.

God, help me let go of my need to be someone other than who I am today. Help me dive fully into the present moment. I will accept and surrender to my present moments - the difficult ones and the easy ones, trusting the whole process. I will stop trying to control the process; instead, I will relax and let myself experience it.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

VULNERABILITY

Appearing weak was not in my vocabulary growing up. Sure I felt weak because I was verbally beaten down by my parents and controlled and also I did not want to be taken advantage of like I was by my brother who molested me.

I had to be in control of my surroundings. That is if I even put myself into surroundings. Usually I just severely isolated for so many years. Was a very sad, lonely, fearful and depressed teenager into adult life. I did not want to be hurt again. I kept everything inside me. Had no one to share my pain with. Had no friends. I certainly could not go to my mum as she was the one beating me down emotionally and my dad was not there for me.

I lived in a constant state of fear and panic most my life. Which I thought was the norm. Being brought up with a mum who exhibited irrational fears, even to this day. Also, I was always thinking I would get emotionally hurt or sexually abused again. The latter being the biggest of my fears.

Although God and I are still working in healing me in these areas, being vulnerable does have some good qualities.

If we are able to trust and share our vulnerability with one another, it can build strong relationships. Others can relate and then feel comfortable in sharing their own pain and struggles. I am slowly at this point now.

I still have trust issues. But, I do see the potential in sharing. It helps us to be accessible to others as we grow and they can grow as well.

WORKING THROUGH FEELINGS

One thing I discovered on my journey was that "I do have feelings." That I do "feel." Whether good or bad, I feel. Some of these feelings although seemed new to me, they were not. They were just dormant for many years. Came alive when I began working through them. Especially with feeling shame, anger and rejection.

A lot of the time I did not know how to handle these emotions growing up due to abuse and being criticized. So I chose to internalize and stuff all my pain. At the same time accepting that I was this awful person and living it out.

At the beginning of my journey to healing close to two years now, when these feeling were stirred up, all I could do was usually throw a tantrum. And I mean a tantrum. Yelling, screaming, cursing, throwing things, kicking.

I demanded things right away. I remember standing at a Walmart grocery store over a year ago waiting for them to open. And when they did not open up on time, it was like I went ballistic. Kicking their door repeatedly. I am surprised I did not get arrested or my foot go through the glass. I was furious. I was so full of anger. My rage over-rid the embarrassment I should of felt. But I did not care! How dare they NOT open on time for ME! I did not know where this JBR came from all of a sudden. Felt out of control. I was a very frighten child behaving like one.

Vending machines that did not dispense properly also found my wrath. Yelling and cursing my mum when I would see that she would be calling me on the telephone before answering. Because I did not want to speak to her. She is a very controlling woman and I began to feel smothered. And do not get me started with road rage. I was a mess and you did NOT want to get in my way. Only by God's grace that I did not end up killing someone else or myself on the road. I did not know how to appropriately release my anger that would then lead up to feeling shameful and full of guilt.

Working through our feelings takes time. Without a doubt I know that I and I am sure many of you would want a quick fix to our problems. Who wants to experience pain! Let us just get it over with quickly is what we say. Not going to happen. I had to learn to "trust" what I was feeling and that it was "okay" to feel. Not to beat myself emotionally up unmercifully. "How dare I feel this way." OR "I SHOULD not be feeling this."

I have seen in just a relatively short time how strong I have become in setting up boundaries and being straight forth in the relationships that I encounter. Not always easy. I stumble and fall back and cower still. I still have a ways to go. This is only the beginning.

But through facing and working through my feelings, me and others can grow. In any relationship there needs to be that room to grow, and work through feelings. And that takes time. We can give permission not only to ourselves, but to others to work through their feelings. Letting the feelings come. Letting them go to where they need to be. Let God be part of the process. Without Him it is much more difficult!

STUCK TO MY GUNS

Went to see my mum this morning before work. Planned it this way, so I would not have to stay long.

Right away she feared something was wrong with me because I came over before work. She thought I was in some kind of trouble. She kept on repeating if everything was okay with me. I assured her that it was. But, she then again she brought it up later that something must be wrong. So within the hour I saw her we got into it twice. The other regarding my church.

My church is now going to one service starting next week. Before I went to the later service and she went to the earlier service. Now that both services are merging she sees fit to demand that I sit with her. Not taking into consideration that I have "friends" now.

Well, we went back and forth on that issue. Voices raised on both ends. Finally, she gave up trying to convince me to sit with her. Her next strategy was to try and get me to come by every Sunday to her pew to acknowledge her presence at church. Again, we went back and forth on this issue. Me saying over and over and over again, "If I can." Not giving in that I will make it an appoint.

For my new readers: My mum and I have been co-dependent on each other probably since my birth. She is a very controlling, critical and judgemental woman. Since t. I have been slowly breaking my end of the enmeshment with her. That is why the conflict now.

So, a tough battle this morning. But a tough battle that I believe I won and set my boundaries to. Was hard and exhausting......

DISTURBING DREAMS

Recently I have been having disturbing dreams.

It is weird because I usually do not have them or remember them. But of late I am waking up from them and remembering. Within a week I have had two that dealt with shootings. Had one yesterday that dealt with my boss shooting people.

I am pretty good at monitoring what I watch on television. As a kid I would have terrifying monster dreams. And being I lived in a fantasy world most my life to cope with my emotional pain, my mind can be easily influenced.

I used to be glued to violence and SciFi stuff. Do not really watch the news. Only to get the headlines. But, I guess I am not immune.

Once again pleaded the blood of Jesus over my thoughts before I went to bed last night only again to wake up to a disturbing dream.

What's up with that?

Only thing I can figure out is that I am receiving victory in other areas of my life, and the devil is now attacking more and more my subconscious.

Any of you who suffer from disturbing dreams, night terrors regularly, I know what you are experiencing now. Takes a lot out of you emotionally and physically at times. Exhausting. Whew....

JBR'S SONGS/PAINFUL MEMORY

I do not know what prompted me to, but I pulled out my old notebook yesterday of songs that I wrote myself with my guitar as a teenager into my late 20's. The first being after my parents divorce and I was forced to move away to NY at age 12 to live with my mother and then step-father.

I have not looked at these songs in ages. Most of them I do not even know how they go anymore. A lot of the earlier ones are just fluff about inadamant objects, i.e. swizzle sticks, sheets, fire, dogs, space travel. Later on the majority were God related. Even with those I find hard to believe what I wrote back then was what I was feeling. Now if I wrote them today, a different story. I have written close to 200 songs.

Seeing the words to these songs is like I am looking at someone else's writings. This is NOT me. These words are not mine. These thoughts and feelings were not true. Closest thing I could come up with is that these songs were my fantasies in my mind. I wrote about what I conspired in my thoughts. Back then, unfortunately, I could not express my "own" pain in words.

In reading these over, only a handful had "some" truth behind them. As I was looking over these songs, I found only one that sort of dealt with my past. Which surprised me that I even wrote about.

I have no memory of writing this song. But there it is in black and white. Sadly only one song out of 200 that had some truth to it. I have no clue how to even play the song or how it even went when I initially wrote it 30 years ago. Yikes! As you will see the maturity level is not there. The structure of the song deteriorates at the end and just stops abruptly as I went back into denial.

Haunt of a Memory

I remember long ago sitting on my daddy's knee.
And he whispered something to me softly.
He said,

"Daughter you're the apple of my eye.
You're my sweetie pie.
If I lost you I'd die.

Daughter you're mine all mine.
If I can't have you.
I'd just go out of my mind."

I recall now, long forgotten promises of yesteryear.
And recalling them I shed some tears.
I recall broken hearts within family squabbles.
Can tear an emotion that is not stable.

A mother and father at one's throats.
Is devastating for a very young adult.

But I don't blame you.
Too many circumstances came out of this.

Reading the words to this song is somewhat painful.

Please note, I do not recall my father ever saying those words to me. I probably only wished he had.

WORTH THE PAIN

"Recovery from childhood trauma involves owning the experiences we have disowned. It includes owning parts of ourselves that we continue to want to push away. This is a painful process because it means that we will need to embrace painful realities. Everything in us (and often around us) tells us that this is not the right path to take. But it is always truth, no matter how painful, that frees us. Embracing our life experiences and their ongoing impact on us is the path to freedom and wholeness." (Juanita Ryan)

I can say that what I have since regained back of myself while on my journey to freedom has been worth it. And yes, it has been extremely painful at times looking and facing my fears, strongholds, shame, guilt and other painful areas of my past. But, in the end what I have gained back thus far is totally worth the pain.

DIRECTNESS

I am praying that one day I can be as direct as the devotional states below. I want to be that good friend. Someone who does not use and suck the life out of people to feel good about themselves like I have in the past. To be honest and to be compassionate. To have others know where I stand all the time. How about you:

Direct people are a joy to be around.

We never have to guess what they're really thinking or feeling, because they're honest about their thoughts and openly express their feelings.

We never have to wonder if they're with us because they want to be, or if they're there out of guilt and obligation.

When they do something for us, we don't have to worry whether they'll end up resenting us because direct people generally do things that please themselves.

We don't have to fuss about the status of our relationship because if we ask, they'll tell us.

We don't have to worry if they're angry because they deal openly with their anger and resolve it quickly.

We don't have to ponder whether they are talking about us behind our backs because if they have something to say, it will be said to us directly.

We don't have to wonder if we can rely on them because direct people are trustworthy.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were all direct?

Today, I will let go of my notions that it is somehow good or desirable to be indirect. Instead, I will strive for honesty, directness, and clarity in my communication. I will let directness in my relationships begin with me.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

AWAKENED

I hope I make sense when I share this.

I was discussing tonight in t. how I sense a change in my awareness of my spiritman or should I say spiritwoman? It is like the heavens opened up to me with a new revelation.

To some of you this may seem frivolous. But, this is all new to me.

My heart has begun to connected to this realization/revelation.

That I am a spirit that God created. I have a body that my spirit is housed in temporarily. My body is slowly dieing. But my spirit will live on after my body dies in Heaven with God.

Sure I have "heard" all this before. My head heard it. But, for the first time, now my heart is hearing it!

Duh!
Hello?
Do I have a witness?
Can anyone give me an amen?

Like where have I been all these decades? Like why now God am I ready to finally understand this? Only You know God. Psalm 139 has a lot of insight.

My heart truly must have been dead all these years from trauma. Now after much prayer from prayer intercessors and me being a willing vessel my heart has finally begun to awaken! Hallelujah!

SURRENDERING

Surrendering is not easy.

But it is vital in order to move on in the process of healing.

When I first realized I needed help personally with my past, I knew I would have to come to grips with painful memories that I had blocked out for so many years in order to survive and try and forget the hurt I suffered.

So, when I began seriously taking the step to surrendering, it was not always easy. In fact, it is still hard. I found surrendering was very difficult and at times I was ready to end it all. Throw in the towel early. Screw this! But, I made a promise to God, myself and to others that I would not quit no matter what.

Anger and frustration seemed to be central with me day in and day out as I began dealing with my crap and giving what little I could of my pain slowly to God. But, it was hard and excruciating. I wanted to die.

I became more angry and frustrated. With God. MYSELF. People. Even inadament objects that just got in my way. Throwing tantrums, things, cursing myself and God as I did not know any other way to express what was going on inside of me. My inner-child was being stirred up for the first time in decades. I felt out of control. I felt I was some "nutt-case." I felt I could not handle what I was going through. I felt God was disappointed in me because of the way I was behaving.

I felt pain for the first time in such a long time!

Fear invaded my heart for so long, I did not know how to live without it. I did not even realize just how emotionally painful working through some very hard stuff could be. And I did not know at the time the way I was responding was because of my past and that it was okay that I respond this way.

But the deepest healing comes when I do surrender, how little of a surrender it may be at the time, and discover that God is for me and not against me. That He is revealed to me as my "loving" Daddy and not my earthly daddy who was not there for me.

The risk of surrender which is hard for me is inviting not only God to comfort me and show me His love, but also people that truly care about me. This part will take time to totally surrender for me.

I have no doubt I am further along the spectrum than I was a year or so ago. Through my pain I see the growth. Praise the Lord. Hallelujah! Glory! ***JBR does her happy dance***

There is still plenty more to surrender! Hard and painful as it may be. But God's heart is slowly melting in mine.

So despite the pain I have to go through in order to surrender and reach freedom, I continue to be determined.

Surrendering is a highly personal and spiritual experience.

Surrender is not something we can do in our heads. It is not something we can force or control by willpower. It is something we experience.

Acceptance, or surrender, is not a tidy package. Often, it is a package full of hard feelings - anger, rage, and sadness, followed by release and relief. As we surrender, we experience our frustration and anger at God, at other people, at ourselves, and at life. Then we come to the core of the pain and sadness, the heavy emotional burden inside that must come out before we can feel good. Often, these emotions are connected to healing and release at a deep level.

Surrender sets the wheels in motion. Our fear and anxiety about the future are released when we surrender.

We are protected. We are guided. Good things have been planned. The next step is now being taken. Surrender is the process that allows us to move forward. It is how our Higher Power moves us forward. Trust in the rightness of timing, and the freedom at the other end, as you struggle humanly through this spiritual experience.

I will be open to the process of surrender in my life. I will allow myself all the awkward and potent emotions that must be released.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

GOING FOR THE KILL

I had a pretty good day on Monday. Really connecting to the Holy Spirit all day. Then I do not know what happened?

Went to bed. Woke up with terrible disturbing dreams. Something I do not get often or at least remember. I felt such oppression.

All day today I have felt I have been under attack. I felt so far away from God. It is like my emotions did a total 180 from yesterday. Was high one moment then crashed the next.

Besides being attacked physically in my body, the enemy has increased what feels like the intensity in trying to have me believe that "people do not like me" that "I am not worthy." I wish he would just leave me alone on these!! The lies he is trying to implant in my mind about people not liking me are unbelievable and draining. Stuff that just does not make any sense or have any relevance. That is why I know he is confused and is trying to confuse me. He is desperate to use this tactic on me now for some reason and going big time for the kill with doubts and feelings of rejection. Ahhhhhhhhhhh

But, I am pleading the blood of Christ. I know who I am in Him! Blasting Revelation Song in my home as loud as I can before the neighbors call the cops on me and in my car. I am determined to press on and overcome my fears of man's opinions and the lies lies lies that satan throws my way. Amen!

SELF-DISCLOSURE

Self-Disclosure remains scary for me at times.

Sure I am okay sharing with my t. She is safe. But IRL I am still finding out that I am cautious and protective. The possibility of being rejected still frightens me. Rejection runs deep into my heart of pain.

The devil loves to plays mind-games with me and with all of us if we let him. Even though I am stronger in not believing his lies, he does still get to me or tries a different line of attack to make me believe people do not like me. He was on the prowl big time over this past weekend. The "little" bugger!!

But......

Letting God help me believe in myself and not fear who I am. Being honest. Letting go of others opinions. Being true about myself can only lead to a healthy relationship of any kind.

Despite my fears, each day I continue to become stronger with His help. Below are some safe ways to ease into self-disclosing:

Learning to gently reveal who we are is how we open ourselves up to love and intimacy in our relationships.

Many of us have hidden under a protective shell, a casing that prevents others from seeing or hurting us. We do not want to be that vulnerable. We do not want to expose our thoughts, feelings, fears, weaknesses, and sometimes our strengths, to others.

We do not want others to see who we really are.

We may be afraid they might judge us, go away, or not like us. We may be uncertain that who we are is okay or exactly how we should reveal ourselves to others.

Being vulnerable can be frightening, especially if we have lived with people who abused, mistreated, manipulated, or did not appreciate us.

Little by little, we learn to take the risk of revealing ourselves. We disclose the real person within to others. We pick safe people, and we begin to disclose bits and pieces about ourselves.

Sometimes, out of fear, we may withhold, thinking that will help the relationship or will help others like us more. That is an illusion. Withholding who we are does not help the other person, the relationship, or us. Withholding is behavior that backfires. For true intimacy and closeness to exist, for us to love ourselves and be content in a relationship, we need to disclose who we are.

That does not mean we tell all to everyone at once. That can be a self-defeating behavior too. We can learn to trust ourselves, about who to tell, when to tell, where to tell, and how much to tell.

To trust that people will love and like us if we are exactly who we are is frightening. But it is the only way we can achieve what we want in relationships. To let go of our need to control others - their opinions, their feelings about us, or the course of the relationship - is the key.

Gently, like a flower, we can learn to open up. Like a flower, we will do that when the sun shines and there is warmth.

Today, I will begin to take the risk of disclosing who I am to someone with whom I feel safe. I will let go of some of my protective devices and risk being vulnerable - even though I may have been taught differently, even though I may have taught myself differently. I will disclose who I am in a way that reflects self-responsibility, self-love, directness, and honesty. God, help me let go of my fears about disclosing who I am to people. Help me accept who I am, and help me let go of my need to be who people want me to be.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation

HEALTHY SEXUALITY

The ministering of the Holy Spirit continues to heal me in this sensitive deep area which produces a lot of fear and shame due to past sexual abuse. Lord continue to help me more and more to let go and trust You here in order for You to do Your mighty work of healing.

Many areas of our life need healing.

One important part of our life is our sexuality. Our feelings and beliefs about our sexuality, our ability to nurture, cherish, and enjoy our sexuality, our ability to respect ourselves sexually, our ability to let go of sexual shame and confusion, may all be impaired or confused by our codependency.

Our sexual energy may be blocked. Or for some of us, sex may be the only way we learned to connect with people. Our sexuality may not be connected to the rest of us; sex may not be connected to love - for others or ourselves.

Some of us were sexually abused as children. Some of us may have gotten involved in sexuality addictive behaviors - compulsive sexual behaviors that got out of control and produced shame.

Some of us may have gotten involved in sexual codependency: not paying attention to what we wanted, or didn't want, sexually; allowing ourselves to get involved sexually because it was what the other person wanted; shutting off our sexuality along with our other feelings; denying ourselves healthy enjoyment of ourselves as sexual beings.

Our sexuality is a part of ourselves that deserves healing attention and energy. It is a part of us that we can allow to become connected to the whole of us; it is a part of us that we can stop being ashamed of.

It is okay and healthy to allow our sexual energy to open up and become healed. It is connected to our creativity and to our heart. We do not have to allow our sexual energy to control our relationships or us. We can establish and maintain healthy, appropriate boundaries around our sexuality. We can discover what that means in our life.

We can enjoy the gift of being human beings who have been given the gift of sexual energy, without abusing or discounting that gift.

Today, I will begin to integrate my sexuality into the rest of my personality. God, help me let go of my fears and shame around my sexuality. Show me the issues I need to face concerning my sexuality. Help me open myself to healing in that area of my life.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

TOXIC SHAME

My desire to feel accepted and loved, (missing from my childhood) the people pleasing skills I used on others I have now learned are driven by shame.

I thought I was pretty good at covering up my people pleasing tendencies by wearing my masks and mastering my art. And I probably was to most. But, some did catch on and did not want any part of me.

Toxic shame is such a poison and develops in unhealthy relationships. But, when one is desperate, as I was in my early days, as I knew no better how to relate, I did not care. I had so much shame in who I was. I had NO confidence whatsoever in who I was. I had to play-act to be someone else. I wanted to give the appearance I was in control. I was perfect. You will like me because I am okay and I have everything in order.

Shame from my parents, siblings, teachers, peers etc. growing up crushed the real me. I continued to wear my masks throughout life. Be what others wanted me to be. Get myself physically sick even to the point of loosing too much weight because I just could not eat in trying so very hard to be someone or something I was not. Trying to keep up appearances that in time can wear your body and mind down.

Thank God! And I mean Thank God, I finally came to a place a few years back that I had ENOUGH OF MY FAKE SELF. I WAS SICK OF MYSELF BEING WHO I WAS NOT!

If you can relate, I understand. May the devotional below comfort and encourage any of you who suffer. I can relate to a lot what is said below:

Isaiah 54:4-5: “Do not be afraid; …You will forget the shame of your youth” (v.4).

“We think that by ‘doing it right’, we will get rid of the shame,” observed psychologist Carol Travilla.

Some of us may be motivated to perfectionism by our toxic shame — the shame of making a mistake; saying the wrong thing; having an unproductive day; mispronouncing a word; gaining weight; not understanding directions, experiencing fatigue; wearing an inappropriate outfit; adding up the checkbook incorrectly; expressing a differing opinion; feeling disappointment; praying the wrong words; wanting to be alone; wanting to be with someone; needing to feel secure.

The inner message we hear is: “Shame on you! You are needy. You are human.” It’s fake guilt; and it’s poisonous. We may attempt to avoid feeling the ache of the shame by denying it matters; working longer hours, or trying to do “everything right.” But we don’t have to be hooked into listening to these self-defeating messages. God wants to release us from the overwhelming burden of perfectionism. We can forget the false shame and relax. God knows our human needs and he accepts and likes us anyway.

Lord, teach me the difference
between healthy guilt and toxic shame.

Copyright 2010 Joan C. Webb

A BIG-TO-DO

In sharing some milestones with my t. tonight that I have over come this past year, especially with tremendous growth in the area of pleasing people, and being able to say "NO," we have noticed that it is still difficult for me to get excited about my accomplishments.

It was not easy being brought up with negative parents. My father was not an encourager. He did well speaking his mind. Did not matter if you were family or not. His words could cut you deep and leave you bleeding along side of the road. Even his look of disapproval had a certain sting about it. Did not take me long to feel the pain he inflicted on my little heart.

So when I responded tonight as I shared with my t., it was like... "oh well....yeah so I did it, so what" type of feeling. Not making a "big-to-do" about my accomplishments.

Well..... apparently it WAS A BIG-TO-DO what I have accomplished!

My mind knows I have improved. There is no question about that. I know I have come a long way since a year ago and I see the growth. But, my feelings still have not caught up with my heart.

JUST HOW TRAUMATIC

* * * * MAY TRIGGER * * * *
In responding to someone else's blog this morning on sexual abuse, the question was posed, "why as children we never went to our parents to tell them we were being abused."

I know I have heard myself tell even myself over and over again this. Even telling my t. and even sharing the reason here on my blog in past posts. But, for some reason, when I typed out my response on that blog this morning, it just hit me.

This is what I said:

"I too wondered why I never went to my parents when my older brother was sexually abusing me. He used the lame excuse to me that he was doing this because he wanted to become a doctor. And for some reason, as a child of 8 or 9 I accepted that. And that was that. Weird I remember that. But, it was so traumatic because I must have been bothered by what he was doing. Wow— insight."

Now what hit me this morning when I typed this, as like I said I have known the reason my brother gave to me all of my life, but the "a-ha" moment for me now is that this was the only statement I remember through the abuse. I even remember bringing it up again another time.

True I remember hiding from him in my closet in my bedroom when he was on the prowl and do recall saying "no." But in actually "speaking" to my brother during or going to the site where he would abuse me, this is all I recall. So that showed me that I did not like what was going on and I questioned it!! And to this day is the only communication I can remember despite actually physically feeling what he was doing to me as well.

I think for the "first time," I am now beginning to "feel" in my heart just how traumatic the abuse must have been for me. This is scary.

SUICIDE

***MAY TRIGGER***
My father's father, my grandfather, committed suicide. My oldest brother committed suicide. My uncle also committed suicide. There have been times in my life that I have even contemplated. This curse has been in my family. My father was prone to severe depression. Never sought help for it. I have been prone to depression.

I do know there are some of you out there who are hurting really, really, really bad right now. Who have experienced such lows in your lives that you feel sometimes you just cannot go on. I would like to encourage you to hang on.

I share an article below that may be of some encouragement. When you feel there is just no way out of your unbearable pain but to end it all, there is hope. There is a way.

The author (unknown) shares his struggles and his triumphs with being suicidal. He is not saying it is easy. But, there is always another way:

How to Die - Cultivating Thoughts of Suicide
Many people struggle with how to die when dealing with the issue of suicide. Perhaps you came across this article for that very reason. We hope to offer you some insight into dealing with the pressures of life which could contribute to the feelings you are experiencing.

Let me also state that I wrote this article from my personal experience and it is a depiction of what I have felt and dealt with over the past year. Again, my hope is that we can offer you some direction in dealing with the feelings you may be having now.

The last year of my life has been one long roller coaster of turmoil with many emotional low points and very few high points. Because of this, I have discovered how easily it is to slide from emotional collapse to spiritual disintegration, and maybe even cultivate thoughts of actual death. Let me tell you my story and then maybe you’ll understand.

How to Die - Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical
There are a lot of things in life which cause us consider how to die. Perhaps you are experiencing an emotional meltdown -- the death of a loved one, break up of a relationship, loss of a job, or some other emotional tragedy.

For me, these feelings of how to die came when three very difficult events occurred in my life within months of each other: The first was my son being involved in an accident that claimed the lives of two other people; the second was the death of a twenty-three-year-old girl who was like a daughter to me; and the third was the death of my mother. Add into the mix the death of a very close friend and you can see why I felt like I was in an emotional downfall.

These events led to questioning the reason for my own existence as well as the reality of God. Can you identify with these feelings?

When the tough events of this life start to pile up at your doorstep, you may start to question everything: your beliefs, your faith, even your reason for being. My emotional turmoil led me down a very dangerous road where I started to question the character of a loving God, or even the existence of God at all.

I asked myself all of the standard Why? questions -- “Why me?” “Why would God allow all this suffering in my life?” and so on. This led to being mad at God and turning my back on Him for awhile. When we die emotionally, it leads to a gradual extinction of our spirits, which then drives our questioning to why we even need to be here. In the end, this emptiness can spark our contemplation of physical death and we begin to wonder how to die.

Our sense of loss emotionally and spiritually can lead to such an overwhelming avalanche of feelings that we may consider anything to be rid of them -- even suicide.

I can identify with the sense of hopelessness you are feeling right now. Like me, maybe you're feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am here to tell you that there is! There is hope!

How to Die - Discovering Hope
I needed to find hope. I wanted to stop cultivating thoughts on how to die and begin engaging thoughts on how to live!

* The first thing I did was focus my energy on how to live. I wanted to stop pitying myself for events in my life that I have no control over anyway. I realized I couldn’t change what had happened. I could only change how I personally viewed calamities in my life.

* Please don’t misunderstand, I am still having a tough time working my way through the circumstances of the last year. I fully recognize that the pain and hurt might always be there, but I will not, by the grace of God, let it drag me too far down.

* The next thing I did was turn back to my one true friend -- Jesus Christ, my Savior. I know what you’re saying: “Oh great, he has turned this to a religion thing.” Well, all I can say is, I haven’t. Loving Jesus is not about religion. It is about having a best friend who understands better than we do what we are going through. Jesus knows personally our pains and sorrows and He knows how best to comfort us.

* Next, I relied on God to comfort me. Sometimes this comfort comes directly through Him. Reading the Psalms and other Bible passage can be a source of comfort (read Psalm 34:18, Psalm 147:3, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4). Other times comfort comes through my friends who also know and love Jesus and who are there to guide.

I encourage you to turn over your emotions and pain to Jesus now. Speak to Him in prayer. Tell Him about your hurts and ask Him to comfort you. Don't hold anything in. Let Jesus have your sorrow. Cry, "God help me!"

(All About Life Changes website)

I would also like to add it is always good to seek Godly counsel too. Talk with someone who understands.

We are precious to God. Whether we feel like it at the time. (Believe you me, there have been many times that I did not/donot feel like this) But, regardless, we are! He DOES care!

Just as the last paragraph states, "do not hold back" in telling and sharing your pain with Christ! He will not fall off His throne with what you have to say. You do not have to come formal to Him. Just say "whatever" is on your heart. If you are ticked at Him, tell Him! Nothing surprises God!

BUD

Over the weekend, I read a little bit more from the book "Hinds Feet on High Places." The following, I discovered, is right where I believe I am on my journey:

"At the same time Much-Afraid herself was conscious of a wonderful stirring in her own heart, as though something were springing up and breaking into new life there too. The feeling was so sweet, yet so mixed with pain that she hardly knew what predominated. She thought of the seed of Love which the Shepherd had planted in her heart, and half-afraid and half-eager, she looked to see if it had really taken root and was springing up. She saw a mass of leaves, and at the end of the stem a little swelling which might almost prove to be a bud." (Page 99)

I feel I am caught between feeling something good changing and pain. The above described it so very well.

HOW DO YOU PLAY YOUR GAME?

My game has consisted of going out of my way to please people in order to gain their attention, love and appreciation. Losing all sight of "who I am" in the process. Only because I would become who "they wanted" me to become. Or who "I thought" they wanted me to become.

I hurt. I was afraid. I acted. I wore a mask. I lied. I disregarded who God made me out to be. I was surviving in a world that some people hurt me in.....until now.

Until I realized I had personal problems and was SERIOUS enough now to want change. I was at the end of my rope. I thought about ending it. I desired to change. No more faking. I was tired of play-acting. My mind ached. My heart was dead. I wanted to become alive again. I wanted to be me. I wanted to be set free! I am now in the midst of playing my own game:

Proverbs 29:25: “Being afraid of people can get you into trouble” (NCV).

During a seminar I heard speaker Carol Travilla comment that some people “play to the grandstand instead of playing the game.”

“I think that’s what I’ve done,” I responded silently. I visualized myself up to bat with the game tied in the ninth. “If I do this right, everyone will love and appreciate me,” I thought. In my daydream as I searched the crowd for my family and friends’ reaction, I consistently missed each pitch.

Then I realized that by concentrating primarily on others’ responses to me I had thwarted God’s efforts to coach me into becoming the life player he had in mind for me to be. I genuinely wanted to stop playing this defeating game. This insight about myself gave me courage to move ahead — out of the workaholism, people pleasing and burnout. Focusing solely on another’s opinion can get us into trouble. We are responsible for playing our own game of life. God will help us meet this responsibility.

Lord, I’m often so afraid
of what someone else thinks about me
that I fail to be who you created me to be.
I’m sorry.
I want to stop living this way.
Please help me.

Copyright 2010 Joan C. Webb

THE MASTER SUSTAINER

In all things, God needs to be my Master Sustainer. Not people. I do not need people to control me. Tell me what to do or not to do. Only God can supply all of my needs. Daddy I know this is not an easy task for me, but with You anything is possible. I long for Your nurturing.

"Psalm 54:4: “Surely God is my help; The Lord is the one who sustains me.”

God is our helper and Lord. He alone is worthy to be our master or controller. Yet, some of us have allowed someone other than God to become the lord of our lives. Still others of us may have become the controller.

When a human being is master of someone else’s thoughts, beliefs, words or actions, God’s rightful place is usurped. When we strive to please a person, instead of God, the burden becomes unbearable, often leading to overserving or overworking.

God, not other people, is the one who sustains us on a continuing basis. He keeps us going when we feel like giving up. When we are so exhausted that we cannot feel or even cry, he holds us up and waits for us to regain our strength. Others may push and “lord it over”, but the Lord God compassionately helps, nurtures, and sustains us.

Lord, I have allowed another person
to be more important to me than you.
Please forgive me.
I want you to be my Lord.
Thank you for helping and sustaining me
as I change my ineffective attitudes and actions.
This process is difficult,
but with your support I can make it.

Copyright 2010 Joan C. Webb